


-Collide-

by CravingCraze



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Connor Lives AU, Connor finds him, Deh - Freeform, Emails, Larry tries, M/M, Sibling Moments, Tags will be added, Texting, deh novel spoilers, evan falls from the tree, evan stutters, healing relationship, trigger Warning for suicide attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-24
Updated: 2019-10-28
Packaged: 2020-07-12 14:03:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 22,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19947355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CravingCraze/pseuds/CravingCraze
Summary: Connor would like to believe he didn't mean it.One minute, he was just driving, numbly listening to whatever shit played on the radio these days when he saw it.A tree. An insignificant tree just outside Ellison State Park.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This definitely isn’t the first complete fanfiction I’ve made but it’s one of the newest ones, therefore best quality.
> 
> Did you guys want me to post my old stuff? They’ve got a decent amount of chapters and are all written and everything. I’d just need to edit them. Tell me if you’re interested down below
> 
> Hope you guys enjoy! 
> 
> Warning for spoilers from the Dear Evan Hansen Novel!
> 
> Quick Trigger Warning for suicide attempt.

Connor would like to believe he didn't mean it.

One minute, he was just driving, numbly listening to whatever shit played on the radio these days when he saw it.

A tree. An insignificant tree just outside Ellison State Park.

The next thing he knew he was pulling the wheel harshly, dragging the car towards the tree. He had hoped the impact would've killed him instantly, but it didn't. Connor remembers gripping the steering wheel tightly, his seatbelt restraining, keeping him from jerking around in his seat, as the hood of the car crunched up like a soda can, bunching and lumping together, his phone fell out of the cup holder along with change that spilt everywhere, as the car jostled from the impact. He doesn't know shit about cars but his was definitely fucked, and he so, was very fucked.

Connor stared at his now soda-canned Subaru, thankful that smoking wasn't coming out of it. He didn't think about the consequences his parents would unleash on him, he probably wouldn't get another car for a long time, his license might get taken away along with his phone, or he just flat out would be grounded, because yeah, sure, locking your child away from socializing definitely helps. Connor sighed, running his hands through his shoulder length long hair. There was no way out of this, there was nothing that could help him try again. Well, actually, he could try jumping out of a tree, but he's tired and hurt, so that's ruled out.

He's suddenly pulled into reality with the sharp sting of his ribs, and the forming of bruises all over his body (great, his parents will definitely think he got into a fight). He's scraped up too, but he's not bleeding, so it doesn't really matter to him. All Connor cares about is that if he broke his ribs or not. He clutched his at his ribs, wincing.

Connor debated just going home. It wasn't too far away, but he'd have to face his family sooner. Then again, was getting it out of the way a bad idea? Of course it was, but Connor could find a way to lie. He'd just say a car came out of nowhere, and he swayed out of the way. That little fib might just work and spare him from the trouble he'd get in.

Connor turned around, about to start walking home, when he heard a loud thud come from inside the orchard.

Of course, any logical person wouldn't go heading towards danger, but Connor's curious, and curiosity killed the cat, and before he knew it, he was walking inside the orchard, using his phone's flashlight as a light source.

He walked around slowly, trying to find something, and he tried to convince himself it was nothing interesting, it was just a ball or something, but then his light shines onto a person, and they don't look so good.

The poor guy's arm (he's been able to distinguish that it was, in fact, a boy) was twisted at a strange angle, and that is definitely not how arms bend all right. He also noticed that he couldn't quite breathe correctly, like the wind was knocked out of him. He was all scratched up too, assembly from the branches. There was a broken branch beside him.

Connor just stared, because what the hell was a person doing out at that time of night? (almost three in the god damned morning, mind you. Connor's strange like that). Granted someone could ask him the same thing, but it was just so uncommon, because no one was ever out after ten (well, the occasional group of teenagers here and there, but they did stupid shit during daytime). It was obvious that Ethan (was that his name? Connor was never good with names) had climbed the tree, and the branch beside him showed he must've fallen or lost his grip or something. He was presumptuous like that.

He shook his head, snapping himself out of his thoughts, and slowly approached Evan. Judging by how Ethan jerked his head when a twig snapped, he hadn't noticed Connor just yet. He was still panting, his eyes were still red from crying, and Connor could already seeing tears form (Connor wasn't sure why, though).

"C-Conn-or..?" He whispered, and it was Evan, fuck that was it, why the fuck did he think it was Ethan? Stupid stupid stupid.

"Hey," Connor started, kneeling down next to him, "I know all of this is pretty fucking crazy, but what the hell happened to you? Did you.. fall or something?"

Evan could only manage a slight nod, tears beginning to rush out as he desperately gripped at the strands of grass. Connor had to look away, because Evan had this looked in his eyes like he failed, like he had tried to do something that Connor would probably never understand, and he was a sympathetic cryer, god damn it (and Connor was smart, but he was only there for whatever aftermath Evan was facing).

"Fuck, okay. Okay, I'm gonna try to get my car working, I'll be right back," Connor moved to stand, but a hand was suddenly gripping his wrist, and Evan began shaking again.

"D-don't l-leave," he pleaded, holding onto his wrist as tightly as he could, but he must've hit his head or something because he was out of it, and he really wasn't holding on that hard.

Connor just wanted to keep him calm, so he knelt back down. "Well then... you have to come with me. Can you walk?"

"Y-y-yeah, I think s-so," Evan slowly, hesitantly released Connor's wrist, and used his good arm to try and sit up. However, his head lulled around, like he had a concussion, so Connor stopped him.

"Um yeah, no, you're in no condition to be walking," he said matter of factly, making him lay back down. "You're just gonna have to wait for me."

"No, no no no, please. I, I can walk, just, you c-can't leave me. Please C-Connor," Evan once again grabbed onto him, and a sob racked through his chest. 

Connor was starting to get annoyed with this, but he also felt bad for Evan. It was like he thought he'd just leave after finding him with a broken arm (which would be a dick move, anyways). "Hey, I'm not going far. I'm just going to my car."

"No, please no, d-don't go," Evan tugged his arm closer, holding onto it.

Connor grunted, kneeling back down. "Okay okay, I have a different idea. Would you be alright with me carrying you to my car?" 

Evan looked at the ground, thinking, before looking back at Connor and nodding. He let go of his arm.

Connor put one arm hooked underneath Evan's knees, and the other around his back. "This might hurt a little, so I'm sorry in advance," he warned, before slowly lifting Evan off of the ground.

Evan cried out and gripped Connor's jacket, gritting his teeth in pain. He held onto him tightly. "Fuck! Oh god.." He didn't move his broken arm, not knowing if it'd help.

"Shit, sorry! I know it hurts, like, a fuckton, but you have to put your arm on your stomach so you won't jostle it around. Granted, resting your broken arm there will hurt, trust me when I say that you don't want it flying all over the place," Connor stayed as still as humanly possible. He'd broken his leg when he was fourteen, so he knew somewhat how much it hurt.

Evan seemed reluctant to comply, but he did, groaning and wincing as he moved his arm. He was still trying to breathe right.

"Now just focus on your breathing. I'll take you to my car," Connor looked ahead, and slowly walked to his car.

It was hard not to move Evan around so much, but carrying him wasn't as difficult. Connor didn't consider himself a very strong person, as he only was active during gym class (that which the school required him to take for him to graduate), and whenever Larry would drag him out of the house and to the gym. Larry had read somewhere that being active helped depressed people, so he was obviously taking the chance to bond with Connor. Connor didn't like it, but it did help on bad days. Larry even told him that he looked a lot stronger than he usually did (but Connor was still fairly skinny).

Connor stopped at his car, and carefully set Evan a little ways away from the car, and against a tree. "There. Now I'll be right back, okay? I need to see if my car will still work."

"It looks... r-royally fucked," Evan commented tiredly, watching Connor stand up.

Connor sighed, "Yeah, but it's either that, or calling an ambulance. The hospital's too far to walk to."

Evan just nodded, leaning his head back against the oak tree.

Connor approached his car, observing how damaged it was. It was mainly the front that was bad, so he had a small, unreasonable hope that the engine would still work. Even Connor would admit it was stupid, and he didn't even know why he was trying so hard to make a car work, but maybe it was because he didn't want to talk on the phone or get involved with the paramedics, so he just kept hoping that somehow it would work.

Spoiler alert; it didn't work.

No matter how hard Connor tried turning his car keys, the engine only sputtered and refused to erupt into life.

"Fuck..." Connor pulled out his phone, defeated, and dialed nine-one-one. He quickly explained the situation with Evan, but left out hitting a tree, because his anxiety was telling him that they'd think his car knocked him out of the tree or something stupid like that.

Connor exited the Subaru afterwards and went back to Evan. The dispatcher had told him to keep his arm secure, so that's what he was going to do. He slid off his jacket (of course taking his phone out before. He was glad he was wearing long sleeves) and kneeled in front of Evan.

"Okay, I need to put your arm into a temporary stash. Doctor's orders," he said, and tried to lighten the mood by smiling.

"W-what'll you use?" Evan was too tired to protest.

"Just my jacket," Connor tied the two sleeves together and tentatively put it on his shoulder and back, allowing the injured arm rest on the main part of the jacket. Afterwards, he sat down next to Evan and asked, "So.. if you don't mind me asking... how'd that exactly happen?"

Evan bit his lip, and rubbed the fabric of the jacket. "Um- I was, I was climbing that t-tree, cause I- I wanted a b-better view of the park, you know, with the, the s-stars out, and I.. I f-fell.."

"You big on stars? Or is nature more your thing?" Connor leaned back.

"D-definitely nature. I'm um, interning here, actually," Evan told him.

Connor scratched at his nail polish. "Cool. This is unrelated but how's your head feeling?"

"It f-fucking hurts.. so much. And, and I feel d-dizzy," Evan tried rubbing it to ease his pain.

"That's definitely a concussion.." Connor muttered under his breath, before speaking up. "Okay, lets not talk about that. Tell me about your internship."

Evan slowly but surely talked about the internship. He was an apprentice ranger and basically had to watch out for people loitering, smoking, or fighting. He also gave tours of the nature trails with a senior ranger, showing them the best places for pictures and the worst trails to get stuck on. He even talked to little kids who either had lost their parents, or was complimenting his outfit (like his shoes).

Soon, the paramedics arrived, and they hurried to get Evan inside the ambulance. Connor watched as they moved him onto a stretcher.

"Hey Evan, are you gonna be okay?" Connor asked, watching the paramedics settle him.

A wave of shock washed over Evan's face, and he shut his eyes tightly, trying not to cry.

"Shit, that's a definite nope," Connor was concerned by this, because he assumed he wasn't doing so well.

"No, no no no. It's not that-" he opened one of his eyes, as the other was still shut in pain. "It's just- you... you know my n-name. You.. noticed me."

And that was all he could say, because the next thing Connor knew was that Evan was being lifted into ambulance and a paramedic was approaching him.

"Hey, you don't look so good. You should come with us so we can patch you up real quick," they told him, and ushered him onto the ambulance.

Connor couldn't argue as he was sat down near Evan, and watched as a nurse prepared rubbing alcohol for his cuts, and how no matter how much he wanted to leave, how much he didn't want to be there, how angry he was, he only knew one thing.

He wasn't going to get out of this.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slight warning for mentions of pushing a bone back into place? It’s not graphic at all because I’m squeamish and didn’t wanna go all out but this is just in case some people are bugged by people talking about it

Connor hissed in pain as soon as the rubbing alcohol made contact with his cut up skin. The paramedic tending to him apologized quickly as they covered said cut with gaze tape.

"Is there anywhere else that hurts?" The paramedic asked him calmly.

"My ribs kinda hurt," he answered. 

"How tolerable is the pain?"

"It isn't like.. super bad. It's kinda tender."

"Do you mind if I feel it? I'd need to put my hand under your shirt," they told him.

Connor took a deep breath before nodding. He lifted his shirt up a bit and tensed up a little when he felt the paramedic's cold hands touch his rib cage.

They moved their hand away afterwards. "Everything feels fine, you just need to ice it for a few days, but come back if the pain hasn't stopped by then. Now, did you mind telling me how this happened?"

Connor was a lot of things, but stupid wasn't one of them. If he admitted that he purposely crashed his car, he'd be put under suicide watch, and be stuck at the hospital for a few days, which would force him to eat that horrible hospital food. So, he decided to lie, and hoped the nurse wouldn't catch on.

"I uh, I crashed my car. I saw a car pull out in front of me and I swerved out and into the tree," Connor lied, fidgeting.

The paramedic simply nodded. "Why are you out at three thirty in the morning?"

"I couldn't sleep and I needed to think," Connor answered truthfully. Driving did help clear his head.

They nodded again. "Did you catch the driver's license plate?"

Connor shook his head, lying again. "It was too dark to."

The paramedic went to write this down. "Well, once we arrive at the hospital, we'll call your parents, okay?"

"Can't I stay with him?" Connor looked at Evan, who was trying not to pass out.

The paramedic hesitated, before sighing. "Fine, but when your parents come, you have to leave, okay?"

Connor supposed that'd be the fairest thing he'd get. Besides, the paramedic was probably being lenient with him as it was, and he didn't want to test his luck. So, Connor just nodded. 

The paramedic went back to Evan, checking in on him. They had already given him local anesthesia before they left, and apparently Evan's arm needed to be pushed back into place (which definitely didn't sound pleasant).

Connor looked over at him. "Hey Evan, the anesthesia working yet?"

"K-kinda..." Evan moved his head back to look at him. "It still hurts, t-though.."

"And how's your head?" Connor asked.

"Still hurts a lot. The para-paramedic thinks it's a c-concussion," Evan groaned after he was done saying that.

Connor made a face, "I thought so too, but if it's not a bad one then you just need to rest for a few days."

"I'm gonna have to- r-resign from my apprenticeship..." Evan stated gloomily, glancing at his arm.

"At least you weren't getting paid to begin with," Connor shrugged loosely, trying to make Evan smile.

"But I- I still l-liked it. Loved it, actually..." Evan let out a disappointed sigh.

"Well when you're feeling better, you can go back and walk around," Connor offered.

Evan made a small smile. "That's true. Yeah.."

Soon, they arrived at the hospital. The nurses hurried Evan and him inside, mainly wanting to take care of his arm. After some general procedures, they got Evan ready.

"Wait- I have to- my b-bone has to be pushed back in?" Evan asked when the doctor told him this.

"I'm afraid so. The anesthesia should be working fully now, but you'll still feel brief pain once your bone is pushed back in," the doctor explained to him. 

Evan bit his lip, nodding as he listened to the doctor. The doctor went on, "Your mother has already been informed of this but will have to wait until her shift ends to check you out and take you home."

Evan nodded again. Heidi's shift didn't end until seven that morning, so he'd have to wait almost three hours or more for her.

"I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm just going to get a nurse or two in here to help out," the doctor told Evan, before turning around, and walking out.

Evan then looked at Connor, who was sitting in a chair, and had just put his head down. Was he staring just then? No, watching seemed more appropriate. Yeah, he was probably just worried and was listening in. That was it, nothing to worry about. 

"Um- C-Connor?" Evan called over to him.

Connor raised his head. "Hey. Still doing okay?"

Evan hesitated, before shaking his head. "I'm.. n-nervous..." he whispered.

"It's about the bone pushing thing, huh?" Connor sat up, gazing at him.

Evan shifted awkwardly, his non-injured arm moved and went to play with the buttons on his shirt. It was a blue polo. Huh. "I uh- I know it's d-dumb, right? I'm- I-'m seventeen, almost eighteen, yet I'm nervous about something s-so stupid like this, and I shouldn't be! There is- there's nothing I should be freaking out about-!"

He was abruptly cut off by Connor, who asked; "Did you want me to hold your hand?"

Evan seemed shocked by this, and tensed a little. "What?"

Connor began to fidget nervously. "I just know whenever I had to get a shot or something I held my mom's hand, even after I turned thirteen, I hated the thought of needles piercing my into my skin. Granted your mom isn't here but... I dunno, it was a stupid suggestion. I guess I just thought it'd help..."

Evan softened after hearing this. It sounded very reassuring and safe, and no matter how embarrassed he was to admit it, Connor holding his hand would help just a bit.

"Um- you can- can you, h-hold my hand?" Evan stammered, blushing brightly as he looked down at the ground.

"Oh! Um, sure," Connor nodded, getting up from his seat, and sat down next to Evan on examination table.

Their knees barely grazed one another's, and Connor's hand slowly wrapped around Evan's, holding it gently. Evan glances down and sees that Connor has a few rings on his fingers. Two silver rings on his middle finger and a copper colored ring on his ring finger. He even had a hair tie on his wrist, too. Evan pulled his eyes away, not wanting his staring to be interpreted as something bad, but Connor wasn't paying attention to him, but rather the doctor and two nurses that came in.

"This'll be over before you know it," the doctor reassured him, watching as one nurse held his broken arm up firmly, and the other held onto one of his shoulders, and the hand stayed on his waist so he wouldn't squirm when it happened.

Evan let out a whimper, watching all of this unfold. He began to shake at the thought of it happening.

Connor squeezed his hand, which earned his attention. "Just look away. You're not gonna want to watch this."

"O-okay..." Evan looked away and shut his eyes, bracing himself.

It felt longer than it actually was, but Evan screamed in pain still, because it hurt like a bitch.

After that was over, the doctor quickly put a cast over his forearm, and even gave him a complimentary strap since his mother worked for them. 

"You can just wait here. I'll check in in a little bit," the doctor wrote some things down. "And Connor, your parents will be here in about forty minutes. I'll come get you when they arrive." They left after that.

"Sorry if I- squeezed your hand too tight," Evan looked at Connor, who was looking at his phone.

"It's not a big deal," he shrugged. "I'd uh, offer to sign your cast, but it probably still hurts like, a ton, and I don't have a sharpie." 

"Oh- it's fine," Evan waved him off. "I-it's not a big deal."

"So, ready for senior year?" Connor asked awkwardly.

Evan sighed, "I guess.. It's just the same b-bullshit and the, the same people you've known all your life."

"I don't want to go back. I'm just sick of it all," Connor crossed his arms.

"Same. These have been the worst, the worst four years of my life," Evan scrunched his nose. "I get why it's g-great for other people, but I'm, I'm not other people."

"I had someone, but I fucked it up. I'm not gonna get into it," Connor huffed.

"I still can't believe you recognized me. I'm so u-used to be forgettable..." he looked away after saying this.

Connor picked at his nails again, "I uh.. I actually notice you all the time. You usually wear white and grey shirts, right?"

Evan just nodded.

He pointed at his blue polo, "You should wear more bright colors. They look nice on you."

Evan blushed at his words. "I er, I couldn't. People would s-stare."

"I don't think they would. I wouldn't, at least," Connor assured him.

Evan smiled sadly, "You don't h-have to lie to me."

Connor furrowed his brow, "I'm...not lying.."

Evan opened his mouth to respond, but couldn't find any words, so he shut it. He just continued to smile, looking down at the ground.

"Oh shit, you actually thought I was lying?"

"It's just- anxiety," he said shortly.

"I'm not one to... make fun of people's clothing styles. I'm just hoodies, long sleeved shirts, and jeans, maybe flannels if I'm feeling good," Connor shrugged.

"At least you can mix it up a little," Evan tried to joke, but it made Connor smile.

Connor then looked at Evan's casted arm, and had an idea. Granted, it seemed dumb, but Evan was actually nice to him (unlike anyone else) and Connor didn't want to loose that. A small part of him said that Evan was only tolerating him because he helped him out, but he suppressed the initial doubt.

"Do you wanna exchange emails?" Connor asked at last. "Cause I don't know if uh, your phone is okay from the fall, and you can access email like, anywhere, so..."

"S-Sure!" Evan pulled out his phone and handed it to Connor, as he did the same to Evan, and they both wrote down their emails in notes (Connor needed a little help from Evan because he had a Samsung phone).

Just after that, the doctor comes in and tells Connor his parents have arrived, so Connor says goodbye to Evan before following the doctor to his parents.

He's not sure why Cynthia and Larry both showed up, but he assumed that Cynthia was worried and Larry was there to keep Cynthia calm. Larry quickly paid for Connor's treatment before walking out.

Larry surprisingly wasn't mad about the car, because he'd heard the story Connor told the nurse. Larry was upset that Connor was out late and didn't tell anyone, however, and was grounding him for a few days as punishment (somehow, Cynthia bribed Larry into getting Connor a new car, since it 'wasn't his fault').

In the car on the way home, Connor took out his phone, and pulled up the email app. He slowly entered Evan's email and began to write.

@EvanH105@gmail.com

Dear Evan Hansen,

I hope your arm feels better soon. I also hope you didn't give me a fake email so I'd leave you alone (I wouldn't blame you if you did, though)

If you don't respond, I'm gonna assume you're ignoring this message, resting (like you should be, because you have a god damn concussion) or in trouble with your mom

I dunno what to really talk about so here's some questions for you;

1.what was your favorite part of your job?

2.are you gonna get a new job (you hobo)

3.whats your favorite movie franchise

Sincerely, Connor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A reminder that this will have book lore so obviously we’re gonna have a certain someone mentioned ;3 anyways I tried getting this out as quickly as possible but these last few days have been exhausting for me, and I’m gonna get busy with band camp so updates may stall.


	3. Chapter 3

Dear Connor Murphy,

I couldn't have it on my conscious to ignore you. Luckily for you, my anxiety wouldn't let me give you a fake email anyways.

My favorite part of the job was walking the trails to make sure no one got lost. It was like a moment to breathe and it was just really nice. I don't think I'm gonna get another job since I'd only work for a month. As for franchises I love Marvel. Wolverine was my favorite as a little kid.

Now here's my questions.

1\. What's your favorite franchise?

2\. Favorite villain of all time?

3\. Favorite movie?

——

Dear Evan Hansen,

Thanks for the reassurance.

You stole my question? Now that's evil

Hey look, we have something in common! Oh my god I love marvel so much, and my favorite character was (and still is) Spider-Man (despite used to being scared of spiders). If I could have any super powers, I'd pray to get bitten by a radioactive spider

Doofenshirtz because he literally made inventions for stuff that bothered him, but would occasionally make one to take over the tristate area (and let's be real here. He could've gone for the world but he didn't).

Into The Spider-Verse blew my mind and I fell in love with it as soon as I saw it. Granted Peter isn't the main character, but I still adored Miles

For you

1.whats YOUR favorite movie

2.favorite color? I bet it's blue

3.favorite tree

——

Dear Connor Murphy,

When are you ungrounded? Say it's dumb, but I'd like to see you again.

I supposed it's fine if we ask the same question. It's easier that way, I suppose.

Ugh, do I have to choose? I'd say Beauty and The Beast, 90's version. I'm a sucker for romance. I have to agree with your Spider-Verse opinion, though. As a kid who grew up reading Marvel comics it was incredibly cool seeing that implemented onto the big screen.

Sorry to disappoint, but my favorite color is actually a light pink.

My favorite tree is the Angel Oak. It's so beautiful...

1\. What're your favorite desert?

2\. Preferred music genre

3\. Hobbie

——

Dear Evan,

I'm changing the format a little so it's less to type. Cool? Cool

I actually just got ungrounded today, but I don't have a new car yet

I love drawing and reading. I've read a ton of classic books and I usually sketch random crap I find on the internet

Pop music is overrated and I like 80's/90's/2001-2010's music. They're all classics

Um ice cream, duh. Actually me and my family used to go to this little ice cream shop A La Mode before things went to shit. I'm pretty sure it's still open though, I've gone by it before and saw people going inside it. You wanna go there some time? (I'm getting a new car soon so I can drive us there)

1.favorite type of ice cream?

2.social media or nah?

3.what makes you happy

——

Dear Connor,

I've got it! It's ok.

I'm glad you're ungrounded now. Have you been out doing stuff?

My favorite type of ice cream is strawberry, and before you start judging me, it's a classic! I think it's safe to agree on that.

I don't really use social media. I mean, I have it... I just don't use it. (I've got Facebook, Instagram, and SnapChat)

Ugh hard question. Having alone time makes me pretty happy I guess. It's just relaxing for me. I like just laying down in my bed and chilling. But if I had to choose something else it'd be baking. I actually stress bake whatever's available in the kitchen. Baking is easy to do and really helps me out.

Are you sure about that? Because I don't really have a lot of money. How much is their stuff? I'm sure I'll have enough...

1\. Same to you (about the ice cream)

2\. What've you been doing this summer?

3\. Best thing in your life?

——

Dear Evan,

Chocolate chip is my go to flavor all the way, though you speak the truth. Strawberry is indeed, a classic

Honestly I've just been drawing, reading, and staying at home. I don't really have a reason to go out

Ok this is gonna sound so cheesy, but I swear I'm being real here. It's these letters. I lost a friend right at the end of the school year and my family hates me. You're the only one who actually tolerated me and treats me like I'm normal (well, through email, but that's besides the point)

Evan, of course I'm being serious. The stuff there is cheap and I can cover tax if you want. I've been itching to get out of my house for a while but there's been no reason to lately

1.will you go to A La Mode with me

2.is it hard typing with a cast on

3.name a hobbie

——

Dear Connor,

Well, since you keep insisting, let's go on over! I've only had ice cream had home for a while now, but not like from a shop or anything so it'll be fun!

Eh, not really. It hits the keyboard sometimes and screws up some words, but they're not hard to fix (sometimes I try to type completely left handedly).

I suppose it'd have to be writing. Mainly poems cause of double meanings and stuff like that. I could always do more stuff with it but I don't really know what to do, you know?

I'm not gonna name off any questions since we're meeting up. I'll make some for next week though.

——

Evan had ended up arriving about ten minutes early, Connor observed as he stepped out of his new (well, 2015 to be exact) truck, sharpie in his back pocket.

"Hope I didn't keep you waiting," Connor stated, shoving his hands into his knee length short's pockets. He didn't want Evan to get weirded out because he wore jeans in the summertime, so he changed it up a little. He still wore a grey long sleeved shirt though, and a purple flannel was wrapped around his waist. 

Evan was wearing brown shorts that nearly went down to his knees, and he wore a white polo, in which he was pulling on the hem. "Oh um- you didn't, heh. I just like to c-come early, just in case." 

"Well, understandable. Let's go inside," Connor lead him inside the small parlor, his hairs on his arms rising as the chilly air made contact with his skin. "They've got tons of classic flavors, but they have special ones too like Oreo, recess peanut butter, confetti, and so on." 

"Well I can't have peanut butter, j-just a forewarning," Evan warned him.

"Noted," Connor nodded, "We'll be the 'peanut butter free-zone' area that was divided in our lunch room back in elementary." 

Evan giggled a little, "Holy shit, I remember those! I was, I was probably one of t-thirty kids who used it." 

"And wasn't it only for kids with peanut allergies?" Connor looked at the menu.

Evan hummed. "The premise of crippling loneliness." He began to ponder what he wanted from the menu.

After a few moments, they both had decided what they wanted. Although Evan wasn't looking forward to ordering, he wasn't going to embarrass himself in front of Connor. He just wanted to seem like a normal teenager (or almost adult, but that didn't matter) for one day. 

"We'll pay together, but I'll cover tax," Course explained, going up to the counter with Evan, which earned a nod from the latter. 

"Hello boys, how may I help you?" A sweet, mid aged lady asked. She had the pin 'manager' on, so it made sense for her to be out.

"C-can I, can I get a... an Oreo ice cream, p-please?" Evan stuttered softly, ducking his head.

The manager frowned, "Sorry dearie, could you repeat that? I didn't catch what you said." 

Now Evan was definitely embarrassed, because not only could he not function like a normal human being, no, he couldn't even speak loud enough. He was just wasting her and Connor's time, just fidgeting nervously, trying to gather courage to try and say his order again, as he whispered "ahs" And "ums" under his breath. 

Thankfully, Connor took control of the situation before awkwardness ensued. "He wants an Oreo ice cream," he then glanced at Evan and whispered, "What size?"

"Small..." Evan whispered back, and watched Connor turn back to the manager. "Put that in a small, please. I'll take a medium Rocky Road." 

The manager nodded and told him the total, prompting Evan to quickly slap down the five dollar bill he'd brought with, while Connor pulled out a wallet and set out his required amount. After handing Connor the change, the manager went to make the ice creams.

"S-sorry about that..." Evan mumbled, avoiding eye contact with him.

Connor simply shrugged, leaning against the counter. "You don't have to apologize for like... being anxious, or whatever. I get like that sometimes, granted not as bad, but still, I know how you feel." 

"You have anxiety?" Evan looked over at him.

"I don't let it show at school, but yeah, I do. You don't have to like, explain it if you don't want to, I just don't want you feeling embarrassed over something so hard to control," Connor explained. 

Evan made a small smile. "Oh um- thank you. It's just- social anxiety, but I think you've p-pieced that together by now."

"I hope I'm not freaking you out or... making your anxiety go haywire," Connor grabbed the two bowls of ice cream that was just set out, and handed one to Evan. 

"Trust me, it's not, it's not you you, it's er, it's t-talking to you," Evan offered a nervous smile. "If that makes any sense." 

"I think I'm following you on that. I just know that our school has nothing good to say about me," Connor stated as they walked to a booth and sat down. 

"Yeah but those are r-rumors," Evan sat across from him. "Just rumors." 

"I guess you have a point there," Connor dug his spoon into his ice cream. "You said something about liking nature, right?" 

That was what Evan mainly talked about, rambling on and on about common and uncommon trees in their city and where to find them, how to find them, and oh so much more. It was a lot for Connor to process, because although Evan couldn't help it, he talked fast, especially when he was passionate in that particular moment. It wasn't like Connor could just say "Stop, repeat that one part again" because he didn't want to manifest his anxiety anymore than he already was, so he just sucked it up and dealt with it, trying to keep up with Evan, who only paused to take small bites out of his ice cream.

They were ready to separate when their ice cream bowls had emptied, and Evan had decided to shut up because he thought he was being annoying.

"Thanks for the ice cream," Evan walked out with Connor.

"You sure you don't need a ride home or something? I uh, don't see a car, or.." Connor trailed off.

Evan shook his head, "I just take the bus. I'll, I'll be f-fine." 

"If you say so. Remind me I still gotta send questions to you later, alright?" Connor unlocked his car and slid inside it. 

"Got it. Bye Connor!" Evan waved, going to the bus stop. 

And well, would a few more emails really hurt?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh, I’ve been so busy lately, but I’m happy to finally get this chapter out! Hopefully the next one won’t take so long. School starts on the 23 for me so that’s when updates will definitely slow down so be ready for that.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Connor central chapter today folks! Don’t worry, there’s still some Evan in there.

Connor's home life wasn't as great as people thought it as.

It was extremely toxic. Larry and Connor would fight, Connor and Zoe would fight, or Cynthia would fight. That was all that ever went on, and somehow, they'd find something small to fight over.

If Connor was being honest, he hated fighting, but he always took offense to whatever his family said and would lash out irrationally.

Of course Connor had medication for bipolar and depression, but it wasn't exactly right. Connor was still trying to find the right match for him and it was frustrating at times.

Connor had just finished an email to Evan, they were talking about how people should really care for the Earth more, when Zoe knocked on his door.

"Come in," Connor shut his laptop as Zoe entered the room, shutting the door behind her.

"What's up?" He spinned his chair around to face her.

"Just... just wanted to check on you," Zoe combed her fingers through her hair awkwardly. "I'm not sure how you're taking the whole... crashing your car thing."

"It's been like two weeks, Zoe, I'm fine," Connor crossed his arms, not wanting to show her vulnerability.

"Well, you remember how I reacted, right?" 

Connor doesn't have to think hard enough to remember Zoe calling her parents in a panic because she accidentally gave someone a fender-bender after a jazz band concert about where her insurance information was. No one was mad at her, granted Larry wasn't looking forward to their insurance going up, but he was still glad she was safe.

"You were freaking the fuck out," Connor simply stated, because that was exactly what'd happened.

Zoe smiled bitterly at the memory. "Mom dropped dad off so he could help me with the insurance business. I couldn't even drive home. I was scared I'd crash the car again."

Zoe was lucky to have nice people help her through it. They were calm and explained to her what she had to do. Connor wasn't so lucky.

"Yeah," Connor laughed. "But remember when my bumper got smashed by that tailgater?"

"Dad was pissed at him." She grinned.

"He was being a bitch!" Connor snorted. "My stupid anxiety made me think it was my fault even though I just stopped at a stop sign."

The two siblings laughed together, and for a moment, things were alright. They were normal siblings, and their relationship wasn't broken.

After that moment had passed, Zoe asked softly, "... What happened to us, Connor?"

Connor looked at her and sighed, "You know what happened, do you want me to say it?"

"No no, of course not," Zoe took a hesitant step towards him. "Things are just so... different between us now."

"I get what you mean. When we were little kids things were easy. I didn't have to swallow a couple of pills to be normal," Connor scoffed.

"You're being too hard on yourself," Zoe crossed her arms and gazed at him softly.

He waved her off, "No, I know. It's just hard being... anything but normal."

"You've made it this far. Things will get better," Zoe sighed.

Memories of Connor crashing into that tree appeared into his mind, how he tried to make himself disappear. How he was frozen in fear, dreading how his parents would react, how he was still alive and breathing. He couldn't tell Zoe anything from that night.

So, he said, "Um, thanks. I'll be fine, I've already started driving again."

"That's good. Well um... I'll see you later, okay?" Zoe turned back around and opened the door,

"Probably at dinner. See you then," he said awkwardly, because that's what their relationship was. Awkward.

They were still trying to repair their relationship, but it was hard. Connor knew Zoe liked playing the guitar, that she drove Cynthia crazy whenever she drew on the cuffs of her jeans, that she still loved teenage magazines and the quizzes too, and that whenever she played Pop crap in her room, she'd dance to it.

Maybe one day things would be close to what they had.

——

Dear Evan,

How hard do you think it is to repair a broken relationship? Because that's what I'm doing with Zoe right now, but it's anything but easy. I just need some reassurance. I feel like I'm doing everything wrong

Anyways last time you asked me what I draw so let's move onto that. I mainly draw people but occasionally nature and stuff. They're usually random though, I don't really follow patterns

My favorite book is probably The Little Prince. It's apart of my childhood

I've always wanted to see the ocean. It just... sounds so enticing, having your feet in salty water as the sun bathes down on you? That's got me fucked up, man

1.where's the one place YOU wanna go?

2.favorite Disney movie?

3.do you like fish? My mom is making us fish for dinner tonight so that's why I'm asking.

——

Fights were always common after dinner, but Connor still couldn't stand them.

He didn't even start the fight that time. Larry and Cynthia were fighting about him, but that was vastly different.

They were fighting about taking him to rehab, which Larry wasn't big on, since he'd already gone to earlier that summer. Cynthia argued it was for depressed kids, but Larry thought Connor didn't need anymore help with the medication he was on. Connor jumped into the argument, saying he barely smoked anymore and that medication didn't fix anything.

Doors slammed shut as hushed whisper-yells were aimed at one another as Connor sunk down against his door, pulling his knees to his stomach, and hiding his face in his knees.

The voices raised again, and they continued to scream. Connor bit his lip, beginning to pull on his hoodie as tears pricked at his eyes. He just wanted the fighting to stop, he wanted a normal family and he just wanted to be a normal guy.

Shaking, he pulled out his phone, and composed a short email. It wasn't anything fancy, it wasn't formatted or anything, it was just five words.

Send me your number. Please

——

Having each other's numbers seemed a bit risky to Connor, but on the plus side, talking became more frequent.

They both had an unspoken (or unwritten) rule, which was to not call unless it was an emergency. Evan hated phone calls and Connor didn't care for them.

Emails were just forgotten about after texting went into play, but Connor still liked to look at them from time to time (they meant a lot to him, okay?).

But that was beside the point. During dinner Connor's phone had vibrated (he usually shut it off but he was talking to Evan before so he didn't have time), which spiked curiosity throughout the table.

"Is someone texting you?" Cynthia had asked, smiling slightly.

"Um.. it's just... Facebook," Connor lied, but his phone vibrated twice after that. Evan was the type of person to send a message but then expand upon it afterwards. While it didn't really bother Connor, it really wasn't a good time for Evan to be on one of his tangents.

"You're not that popular on Facebook," Zoe just raised an eyebrow at him. She was giving him this look that asked 'what're you trying to hide?'.

"It doesn't matter," he insisted, sliding his phone into his pocket.

Larry sighed, and rubbed his forehead. "Connor... we don't want you interacting with strangers on the internet or something. Either give us a name or I'll look through it."

Connor of course didn't want that to happen because he wanted his fucking privacy, so he gave in. "... His name is Evan. There. Happy?"

"Evan Hansen? From our school?" Zoe asked.

"Er... yeah," Connor said awkwardly.

"How'd you two meet?" Cynthia was invested now. "Is he a friend?"

"We just met at Ellison. I'd.. say we're friends," well, that was the truth, Connor supposed.

"You should invite him to dinner sometime!" Cynthia chirped happily.

"Um... I'll ask him later," Connor wouldn't ask him. He didn't want to pull Evan into his family's bullshit.

The rest of dinner was mainly littered with questions about Evan, which Connor tried to keep as vague as possible. He slammed his door shut after dinner and sighed, pulling out his phone.

|Connor|- they know about u. It's all my fucking fault

|Evan|- Wait, what happened? Who knows about me?

|Evan|- I doubt you did it on purpose

|Connor|- my family. They know we go to school together and they know ur name. U were texting me at dinner and they kept pestering me about it

|Evan|- Then it's my fault. I'll take responsibility for this.

|Evan|- It's because I make my messages choppy.

|Evan|- I'm literally doing it right now.

|Connor|- no I don't want it to be ur fault. It's not ur fault you text like that. I shouldn't have brought my phone down

|Connor|- it can be both of our faults, deal?

|Evan|- Deal.

|Evan|- Do you wanna hear about my crippling loneliness?

|Connor|- must you ask? Spill the tea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up we’ll have an Evan central chapter!


	5. Chapter 5

Evan wasn't sure if he'd ever get used to the loneliness his house offered.

He had just watched his mom enter, who said hello to him, asked if he had eaten yet, and then hurried off to bed. He couldn't be mad at her, she had just worked a twelve hour shift and then had class.

Evan shook his head, pulling up the email app on his phone. He opened one of his drafts and began to type away at it, occasionally stopping to think.

He was stopped, however, as his phone began to ring. Evan jumped at the sudden sound of his default ringtone while his phone buzzed in his hand. He looked at the caller ID to get clarification.

It was his dad. Mark Hansen. Or whatever new last name he had for himself now.

Evan didn't want to answer it. He wanted to shut out his so called father just like he did to him. He didn't want to give him another chance.

But Mark would contact Heidi about this and even though she doesn't like him talking to Evan, there isn't much she can do. Evan doesn't want to worry her anymore, so he answered the call.

"Hey champ!" Mark had said a little too enthusiastically. "How've you been?"

Evan winced at his tone. He was obviously trying too hard. "Umm... I've been f-fine. Broke my arm..."

"Really? How'd that happen?" Mark's enthusiastic tone didn't die down.

"Why'd you call?" Evan sounded irritated.

Mark just laughed, "Can't I just talk to my son?"

"You're- I-I'm not your son! You may have had a part in, in making me, but you haven't- you h-haven't talked to me in years!" Evan whisper-yelled into the phone.

"Mark Junior Evan Hansen, you do not talk to-"

"You don't get to c-call me that! Not after you left mom! Not after you left me! You don't know how much we've been s-struggling because of, of you! You're a, a horrible excuse for a father!" Evan didn't give him a chance to respond, because he'd hung up afterwards.

Evan usually was a fairly calm person. He didn't make big deals out of small things. This however was a big deal. It was his no good, cheater of a father, calling him after years of avoiding them.

He went to his bedroom and shut the door as quietly as he could, before falling into his bed. He buried his head into his pillow, and screamed into it so it was muffled. It wouldn't wake Heidi, he didn't scream loudly and she was a heavy sleeper.

No matter how much his dad wanted to pretend, Evan already knew he'd never truly care for them.

——

Dear Connor,

Why do some people pretend to care? Why do they renter our lives expecting something for nothing? My dad is acting like he didn't leave his family and is trying to rekindle our bond or something. I'm not interested in talking to him. He's had years to reach out to me.

I suppose something a little embarrassing would be the time I got stuck in a tree. I was just a little kid who loved climbing and got in over his head. That's literally it.

Snacks? Granola bar, quick and easy to eat. I don't snack much though.

You're fucking crazy if you think I sleep without my radio on. I don't like silence and I need something to fill the empty.

1\. Stuffed animals or no?

2\. What type of YouTube stuff do you watch? (I watch conspiracies, even though they make me anxious they're addicting)

3\. You have to spill an embarrassing childhood story now.

——

Evan wasn't exactly sure how to handle an email asking for his number.

It was from Connor. It wasn't formatted like the usual emails were. It gave Evan a frantic and pleasing vibe, which made him feel uneasy.

There wasn't any reason as to why he was asking. It was just 'Send me your number. Please'. 

Evan had no idea what could've been going on with him or if he'd even answer his question, so he sent a reply simply with his number, and a request to explain what was going on.

Little did he know how much this would change things.

——

Connor's parents knew about him, and Evan felt like he could only blame himself.

They'd been talking about sexism and the generalized picture perfect man for the picture perfect woman when clearly neither existed.

Don't get Evan wrong, he doesn't have any problem with people being flawed, he was just talking about how men should be able to be sensitive or able to cry without being judged. 

Basically Evan was ranting about equal rights for both genders (plus fluid people and nonbinary people).

What he hadn't had known was that Connor brought his phone down to the dinner table, and when they heard it vibrating, it lead to questions. Questions Connor couldn't lie about.

In order to distract themselves, Evan decided to talk about how crappy his night had been.

Jared had already arrived from summer camp that day but made the decision to ditch Evan for his more popular friends. Heidi had promised they'd eat dinner together, but got called in (that was out of her control, so Evan understood that). In general, there wasn't a lot to do at home. Evan didn't want to go on a walk because he'd most likely run into a classmate that would just have to wave at him, and he'd rather not put up with that today, thank you very much.

|Connor|- honestly fuck kleinman. Didn't you say he uses you for car insurance

|Evan|- Yeah, I did. But I can't do anything about him.

|Connor|- well you don't need him. You have me

Evan tried to ignore how warm that simple message made him.

|Evan|- Even though we don't hang out outside of messaging?

|Connor|- ... that's besides the point. I don't wanna make you anxious, that'll make me feel bad

|Evan|- Connor, the more I'm around you, the more I'll get used to you.

|Evan|- Besides, EVERYONE makes me anxious. It isn't just you lol

|Connor|- hmmm... well maybe some other time, then. I'm busy this week

Evan had a sneaking suspension Connor was lying, but he wasn't the type of guy to call people out like that.

So, he had to suck it up as he was helpless to do anything else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t know if ‘Junior’ is apart of Evan’s actual first name, but it’s something I thought was fitting, since that’s what they usually get when named after a parent.


	6. Chapter 6

It was getting harder to lie to Evan.

So what if Connor wasn't being truthful? He was only doing this to protect Evan from him. He didn't want to lash out at Evan, because he'd never forgive himself for it. It was the only thing keeping him safe.

Connor sat in his room, painting his nails with black polish, not paying any mind to the color. That was the least of his worries, anyways. As long as he had something to pick at, it didn't matter what anyone else had to think. People needed to let go of the illusion that 'only girls wear nail polish' because guess what, Connor was breaking that stereotype, and so were many other guys.

' "Whoa, you did that?" Miguel gestured to his nails.

Connor had blushed, and looked away, "Yeah... and?"

"How the hell are they so good? I can't even paint my little sister's without fucking it up," Miguel grinned.

Connor smiled sheepishly at his reaction, "Well, I chip them a lot, so I have to redo them almost like, four days after I did them. I guess practice makes perfect."

"No shit," Miguel laughed, and threw an arm around Connor's shoulders.'

Connor bit his lip, trying to hurry and finish painting his nails. He didn't want to be reminded of him. He just wanted to let him go. He needed to let him go. So what if he's starting to like his only friend? So what if he's still hurting from Miguel. He'll be fine.

After repainting his nails, he grabbed his sketchbook and began to flip through it, not caring about his undried paint. He then stopped at a picture of Miguel, gazing at it.

'Connor traced the pencil lightly across the faint lines of his paper, before looking over at Miguel, who was busy doing schoolwork.

"It sucks we don't go to the same school anymore," Miguel sighed, setting his pencil down. "You didn't have to lie for me."

"You would've gone to rehab..." Connor was already looking back at his paper.

Miguel made an exasperated noise, "You're acting like you didn't go! I've heard how horrible it is! And now both our parents think you have a major drug problem!"

"They probably think I'm the problem," Connor scoffed.

"I doubt that," Miguel shook his head, and moved to sit next to him.

Connor shut his sketchbook and set it aside. "Thanks, M." '

The sketchbook was still in good shape, if Connor was being honest. It was a birthday gift from Cynthia, who'd asked if he had anything he wanted. Although it was starting to run out of pages to draw on, it definitely lasted a while.

He flipped through it, seeing some doodles of Evan. He'd never drawn in front of Evan, but he knows Connor draws. He isn't the type of person to ask him to draw him, but rather to send pictures of what he's drawing. Of course, he'd never show Evan those drawings, but he always had different ones to give instead.

Evan loved it when he drew nature. He was always in awe as to how he caught the magnificence of forests, plants, or mountains. Of course he liked other stuff too, like his portraits.

He remembered a certain picture sent, so he pulled out his phone and scrolled upwards.

There it was. A crumpled piece of paper showed a poorly drawn pair of boys. One was carrying the other and had obvious long hair. The other had small tears in his eyes, but he was smiling. 

Connor wasn't dumb. He knew what it stood for. It was when he helped Evan go to the hospital, the day they first met. Why the blond decided to draw that day was a mystery to him.

'|Evan|- So hey, you know how you draw and stuff..?

|Evan|- Well I decided to take a go at it.

|Evan|- *Evan has sent an attachment*

|Evan|- It's bad I know.

|Connor|- it's cute

|Evan|- You don't have to lie...

|Connor|- I'm not lying. There's room for improvement, but that's pretty much with any type of artist

|Evan|- This was just for fun. I'm more of a poetry type of person.

|Connor|- you write poetry and you didn't tell me? Now I wanna see some

|Evan|- Oh I don't know...

|Connor|- please?

|Evan|- A lot of it is long and boring, and I'm sure you don't wanna read large blobs of text. Besides, none of them have a deep meaning to our world. It's just boring and you probably don't wanna read it.

|Connor|- ev, poems don't need to have a deeper meaning. I wanna read them, no matter how boring they are, okay?

|Evan|- I suppose you're right...

|Evan|- Fine, but don't laugh at how corny they are.'

Even though it had nothing to do with him, Connor began to think about Miguel, and how he pestered him to see his drawings. Miguel would shower him with compliments, saying how he should go into art, that other people deserve to see it, and just how good they were.

And while Connor hated to admit it, he missed Miguel. A lot. He soon began to feel guilty about running out of his life (quite literally, mind you), so he texted a number that would've been long forgotten about.

|Connor|- I miss you, M

|Miguel|- Connor?

|Connor|- you told me a long time ago you wanted answers. Do you still do?

|Miguel|- well of course I do, but what brought this on? Is everything okay?

|Connor|- I don't wanna talk about it through something someone can just look down at my phone on. Can we meet up and talk then?

|Miguel|- is Caribou ok?

|Connor|- fuck yeah it is. Can we meet like.. around eleven thirty? That's when everyone's out of the house and I don't want them pestering me about why I'm leaving

|Miguel|- I'm free all of tomorrow so it works.

|Connor|- got it. Thanks, M

|Miguel|- of course, Connor.

|Miguel|- and... if it means anything, I miss you too...

Connor left him on 'read'. There was no turning back now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And THERE he is folks! Miguel getting some spotlight in this fic at long last! I’m excited to write him in the chapter!!!


	7. Chapter 7

Being nervous would barely scratch the surface as to how Connor currently felt.

He was down right terrified and anxious, because he hadn't seen Miguel all summer, and was starting to dread asking to see him.

The unreasonable part of him was telling him "he only agreed to this so you'd leave him alone", but the other part was like "no. He said he misses you. That has to mean something,". Connor knew Miguel, but he didn't know how he'd handle this. He was expecting anger, quite frankly, because that's how he'd react. Then again, Miguel was extremely kind and understanding, so he'd hoped Miguel would maintain his composure.

He sipped the hot chocolate he'd purchased (he liked it year round, sue him), before retracting and hissing in pain as it was still hot. He set it aside and checked his phone for any messages.

Connor wanted this to be casual, so he was wearing a dark blue, long sleeved shirt, with some surprisingly un-torn jeans. He didn't know why he dressed so nicely, like he wanted to impress him or show that he was perfectly fine.

Just before the clock changed to eleven thirty, Miguel had arrived, and was heading towards the outside table Connor was at. Miguel's skin tone was like a smoothed out wooden carving from a tree, with black, short hair. He was wearing a white shirt with a blue vest, and jeans as well.

Connor suddenly felt overdressed.

"Hey, Connor," Miguel greeted him, sitting across the table from him.

Connor swallowed a lump in his throat. "Hi... Miguel."

"It's certainly... been a while. Um, how are you?" Miguel shifted awkwardly.

Connor let out a sigh. "Not the best, but that's mainly because I feel guilty about... leaving you without explaining myself so... that's what I'm gonna do now."

Miguel simply nodded, ready to listen.

Connor took a deep breath, and shut his eyes, bracing himself. He then opened them, and looked directly at Miguel. "I'm suicidal and I have anxiety. I also have bipolar, which makes me... pretty unpredictable. I'm not pretty when I'm mad, and I've hurt a lot of people because of it, including you." He then stopped, to let Miguel take this in.

Miguel was frowning, "Go on."

"With everything wrong with me, I didn't want you getting mixed up in my shit. I was just... so scared that if you saw it, you'd just... run. That you'd leave me and I'd be alone again," Connor looked away from him.

"Connor... I wouldn't have run," Miguel said softly, gazing at him.

Connor rubbed his nose, "I think apart of me thought so... but anxiety is a fucking prick and blows things out of proportion... It doesn't justify what I did, I just thought I'd finally tell you..." 

Miguel stayed silent for moment. Then, he spoke up, "Thank you, Connor. For clearing this up."

Connor smiled bitterly, "Let me guess, this is the part where you tell me you don't want me back. It's okay, I can take it."

Miguel ran his fingers through his hair. "It's not just that, Connor. You always put yourself down, saying stuff like 'I don't deserve you' or 'You're way too good for me'. I didn't like it. I still don't. Granted I know why now, but... it made me feel shitty, being unable to help. Besides, you didn't always communicate properly."

"Sorry," Connor ducked his head.

"It's- it's fine, I wanna move just... let that go so we can talk about what's wrong. You seemed off yesterday, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't freak out a little," Miguel stated.

"Well... I made a new friend this summer but... I'm scared that the same thing that happened to you and me will happen to us," he sighed.

"Well tell me about them. I can't give proper advice if I don't know anything about them," Miguel offered.

Connor started to talk about Evan briefly, about how he was a nature nerd, had anxiety, was very nice and patient, and liked writing. He accidentally let it slip that he crashed his car in an attempt to hurt himself on the day they met. Of course, Miguel was concerned about this.

"You can't just brush something like this aside, Connor!" Miguel fretted, looking for any visible scars or scratches.

"It's not like anyone noticed..." Connor chewed on his lip. "But that's just cause I made it believable."

"You should tell someone... well, more qualified than me," Miguel reached over and out a hand in his shoulder.

"Maybe..." Connor muttered. "They'd change my meds again, though..."

"I know it'd suck, but it'd be for the best," Miguel tried, and patted his shoulder.

"Should I just... go talk to him? After I tried so hard not to see him?" Connor began to mess with the hair tie on his wrist. 

"I think he deserves an explanation. He sounds like he has the patience of a saint," Miguel assured him.

"I really like him, Miguel... I don't want to loose him," Connor said softly, his voice wavering with vulnerability.

"If you're honest with him, then you won't," he squeezed his shoulder, before letting go of him.

"I still think he'll just run away," Connor looked at Miguel again, before sighing, "But I trust you."

"If I didn't know any better, I'd think you like this Evan," Miguel teased him.

Connor blushed at his comment, but didn't say anything.

"Wait, holy shit. Do you actually-?"

"It's just a crush," he protested. "Nothing serious."

"You fall so hard, Murphy," Miguel chuckled, rolling his eyes. "Don't let Evan hurt you, and don't hurt him. And if for some reason, he does run, fuck him."

Connor grinned at the familiar phrase. "What if he like, actually likes me, though."

"Then fuck him," Miguel smirked at him.

Connor bursted out laughing, and shoved Miguel's shoulder. "You're seriously so fucking nasty!" Then, he went quiet for a moment, before asking, "Hey, there's no hard feelings between us, right?"

"No hard feelings," Miguel agreed. "Stay in touch, alright? You're still my best friend."

"Of course, M. I'll make more of an effort this time. Promise," Connor stood up. He felt a lot better after talking about this.

"And you need to text me if you're... feeling shitty, or whatever. That isn't a suggestion! It's a demand!" Miguel smiled, watching him.

Connor laughed, "Got it, M!"

He left that Caribou with a weight lifted off of his shoulders. He had a feeling things might just be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Miguel was necessary for Connor to feel comfortable moving on from him so he wouldn’t feel guilty about liking Evan. It was just something I thought was important.


	8. Chapter 8

_|Connor|- hey Evan, we need to talk_

In retrospect, maybe those weren't the best choice of words to say to someone with crippling social anxiety.

Connor watched the rising and falling dots on the left side of the conversation. He bit his lip, knowing that Evan was probably freaking out about it.

_|Connor|- it's not bad, I promise_

_|Evan|- Okay._

_|Evan|- What is it?_

He sighed in relief. Those messages took significantly less time than the others, so Evan must've calmed down a little. Even if it didn't do much, it still did something.

_|Connor|- can I go over to your house?_

_|Evan|- I thought you didn't want to hang out with me..._

Damn it. See, this was what Connor felt guilty about. He had a feeling Evan would doubt himself, but he'd never _intended_ for it to happen. He had to fix things.

_|Connor|- look, I'll explain everything if you let me go over_

_|Evan|..._

_|Evan|- Okay just... stay safe. It's supposed to storm._

_|Evan|- Here's my address. '_ _ 302 Oakland Ave' _

Connor shut off his phone and let out a sigh. He didn't know how long he'd stay there, so he packed up a bag just in case. He didn't bother texting his parents to tell them where he was going because he figured they wouldn't care. They'd probably just assume he was out doing drugs or something, which he didn't do a lot of to begin with, shows how much they really know their son. But the thought of worrying Zoe made him feel guilty, so he quickly sent her a message.

_|Connor|- going out to meet a friend. If I'm not back tonight I'm spending the night._

_|Zoe|- wait, who's this friend? Evan?_

_|Connor|- yup_

_|Zoe|- don't worry, I'll put a good word in on him for you. He goes to my jazz band concerts. He's really sweet_

_|Connor|- thanks_

Connor then put the address into Google Maps, and made his way towards Evan's house. He was only slightly worried Evan sent the wrong address to make him leave him alone, but he tried to reason that Evan wouldn't do that, because he was 'too nice' to.

But all of that worry vanished when he saw Evan Hansen sitting outside his supposed house, whom looked up from his lap when he heard Connor's footsteps.

"I... I didn't think you'd actually c-come..." he admitted, watching Connor approach him.

Connor sat down on the same step beside him. "Well I'm here. I came," he offered a smile.

The two were silent for a moment, before Evan spoke up, "What'd you, what'd you need to talk to me a-about?"

Connor didn't answer right away, as he gazed at Evan. The latter was skinny, he noted, but he didn't look healthy. Evan's face looked strained and he was pale, and he was almost... too skinny. He'd clearly lost a lot of weight from the last time they'd hung out (Connor remembered that he was a balance of skinny but chubby, back then).

So, instead of being a normal human being who discusses his mistakes, he impulsively said, "I'm hungry. Let's buy a pizza."

Evan furrowed his brow, upset at the dodged topic. "What? Connor-"

"I'm like, not gonna force you to pay, though. Obviously. Sorry, I'm a stress eater," Connor stood up and pulled out his phone.

Evan frowned as Connor dialed the number. He shook his head and opened the door, "Connor, you can't just ignore this."

"Hello yes, I'd like, er..." Connor glanced at Evan. "You're Jewish right? So no pork?"

"Connor, we need to-"

"I'll take that as a yes," Connor ignored him. "Yeah, I'll take a large cheese pizza. The address is 302 Oakland Ave."

Evan was a bit frustrated as Connor ended the call and sat down on the couch. He wanted to say _something_ but he couldn't, because he just couldn't find the words to.

Connor let out a breath. "Sorry. I just... you said you don't eat a lot on your own cause of talking on the phone and I just wanted to take advantage of this situation."

"Why didn't you just, just tell m-me that?" Evan picked at his hangnail, because he didn't expect Connor to _notice_ these things. Quite frankly, he'd been trying to hide this for a while, and didn't think his mother or Jared would even notice.

Connor grinned sheepishly, "I wasn't lying about being impulsive. It's pretty ridiculous."

"So um... now that _that's_ out of, of the way... Why... d-did you- Why'd you a-avoid me?"

Connor began to fidget, twisting his hoodie string around his fingers. "Can you... give me a second? This shouldn't be as hard as it is but..."

Evan softened at this, remembering how Connor brushed over the fact that he had anxiety. He hardly ever brought it up, so it was a bit odd seeing Connor anxious. "Yeah, o-of course. Take your time."

So they both waited for a bit of calm to settle in Connor, while Evan debated about talking to him, but eventually decided not too. He scooted closer to him and quietly asked, "Can I touch you?", which prompted Connor to slowly nod. Evan took his hand in his own and squeezed it as their shoulders bumped together. Although he wasn't completely sure, he thought it was helping Connor calm down, just a little bit.

"Okay, I'm ready," Connor said after a couple of minutes had passed, "But you can't interrupt me. You have to wait until I'm done."

"I won't. You can... s-start now," Evan sat up to give him his full attention.

"You obviously know about all the shitty stuff people say about me at school. I know you don't believe a lot of it, but... some of it is true," he sighed. "Like, I don't get high at school, I'm not _stupid,_ but I... still use the stuff when it's too much."

He stopped to look at Evan. He looked surprised, but was staying true to his word, and didn't say a thing.

Connor went on, "I have Bipolar, which basically means I can go from being depressed to irritable or happy, just like-" he snapped his fingers to demonstrate "-that. I never know how I'm gonna be feeling so... I figured just shutting you out would do the trick."

Evan was still holding his hand, Connor realized, when he felt a calloused thumb (probably from tree climbing) rub the back or his hand.

"I thought I was doing the right thing, like, sparing you from... me, or _whatever._ I guess I just didn't want you to see what's wrong with me, because I've hurt people, and I don't want to hurt you," Connor tightened the grip on his hand. "All I ever _do_ is hurt people, and I'm sick of it."

Evan didn't know if Connor was done talking, so he squeezed his hand.

Connor was holding back hot tears that threatened to spill, because he was _scared_ damnit, he didn't want Evan to leave him, and that was what terrified him. He didn't want to hear Evan's sweet, angelic voice, but deep down he knew he deserved a chance to voice his opinion on the matter.

So, he whispered, "Um, I'm done. Say... what you want to, because I because I deserve to be ridiculed."

He looked away afterwards, because he didn't want to see Evan's expression. He didn't want to see the emotion and make it harder than it already was. He just wanted this to be over.

"I'm not gonna r-ridicule you," Evan said softly, continuing to rub soothing circles in the back of Connor's hand.

It took a ridiculous amount of courage to look back over at Evan, but Connor did. Evan's expression didn't hold an ounce of anger, but rather sadness, worry, and sympathy.

"Why? Why are you- so fucking nice?" As much as he didn't want it to happen, a tears escaped from his watery eyes, and he quickly rubbed them away, but to no avail as more fell out.

"Connor, Connor please don't cry!" Evan squeezed his hand, before letting it go so he could rub his shoulder.

He turned his head away so Evan wouldn't see him crying anymore. "I'm not a good person, Ev."

"I don't believe in, in good or bad p-people," Evan said softly, rubbing his shoulder. "I believe in people who, who either try to make things right, or use or h-hurt people to get what they want. You may not be a good person, but, but you are _good,_ Connor. Nobody's p-perfect."

Connor stayed silent, letting all of this soak in. He rubbed his nose solemnly.

"Just... try to relax. D-dry your tears," Evan was rubbing his back now.

Connor suddenly grinned, and he looked back at him. His cheeks were still wet, but he looked like he was cheering up. "I can't dry tears, they're initionally wet. My face and eyelids, yeah, I can dry those, but they're still moist. I guess they... dissolve? To some point?"

"Hey! I'm just trying to, to cheer you up!" He gently shoved his shoulder.

"Is it your _job_ to make me happy?" Connor bumped their shoulders together, laughing.

"Well yeah. Isn't that, that what friends do for each other?" Evan pushed him off of him.

Connor smirked and raised an eyebrow at this.

"Oh that- _that_ was low! Fuck you!" Evan giggled, and held onto his stomach.

"You'd want to," he whispered lowly, but made sure it was obvious he was only teasing.

Evan reacted by blushing furiously and covering his face, stammering about _'how he was totally straight and liked girls but it's not like guys are hot too shitshit-',_ which made Connor laugh and put a hand on his shoulder.

"Relax, I'm not a homophobic asshole who'll yell at you just because you like guys," Connor assured, smiling lightly.

"Thanks," he sighed in relief. "And um, for the record, I'm p-pan."

"Nice," Connor hummed, "I'm bi, although I think I lean towards guys."

"Yeah," Evan giggled, just a little nervous. "Guys are... pretty great."

Before they could continue talking, the doorbell rang, and Connor suddenly remembered the pizza he ordered. He assured Evan he'd take care of everything since he'd order it. After a few minutes, Connor set down a box of cheese pizza on the coffee table.

"Bon appetite. The finest cheese pizza Dominos has to offer," Connor said while he flipped the lid of the box.

Evan set down some paper plates. "Sorry that I er, can't have pork. Cause you're probably not having your favorite f-flavor and um.. yeah."

"Aw c'mon, don't be like that. Next time we can get half and half, okay?" Connor nudged his shoulder before grabbing a piece.

"See! That's, that's you, right there! Being nice!" Evan exclaimed.

"Hush, we're moving past that. You said you had Marvel comics right?" Connor asked.

Evan simply nodded.

"Well can we read them after we're done?"

"Absolutely."

——

Thunder rolled outside the Hansen's house, and Connor was thankful he had chosen to pack a bag. Evan was right, it was going to storm, and it seemed like it'd be a bad one.

Connor looked over to Evan, who was listening to the weather radio. After a few minutes, Evan dismissed the notification and said, "Let's get a flashlight. We might loose power."

He nodded and stood from the inflatable mattress. He followed Evan to the laundry room, where a few flashlights were, and a lantern.

"I remember when the, when the power went out when I was s-six. I screamed cause I was afraid of the dark," Evan giggled at the memory, gathering the flashlights on his arms.

"Are you still afraid of the dark?" Connor teased him as he reached over and grabbed the lantern's handle.

"Like, only complete darkness. My alarm clock is all the l-light I need," he shrugged.

"Nice. Anyway, since I'm gonna be here for the night, you wanna watch a movie?" Connor offered as they walked back to Evan's room.

Evan looked up at him, "What'd you h-have in mind?"

" _' It',_ " Connor smirked.

Evan made a face, "It's not gory, is it?"

"Well, since the main characters are children, I don't think so," Connor shrugged. "It's a great fucking movie though. I even have the book."

"... Is it scary?" He asked hesitantly.

"It's just a mystery. A little spooky, but that's it," Connor pushed the air mattress against Evan's bed before climbing onto it.

"We'd have to, to w-watch it in here, cause my mom comes home around seven..." Evan sat on his own bed, near the edge where the air mattress remained.

"Deal," Connor just grinned.

And that was how Evan ended up cuddled into Connor, shaking slightly as he watched ' _It'_ from Connor's phone screen. Connor kept a secure arm wrapped around Evan's shoulders, and kept him close in an attempt to comfort him.

"T-this is- fucking freaky, Connor," Evan glared at him, but didn't let go of his arm.

"I've got you..." he only said, rubbing his shoulder reassuringly.

After a while, the movie finished up, and Evan was falling asleep against Connor, but was visually trying to fight off sleep and to stay awake. Connor yawned, not really caring about anything in that moment, as he was too tired too.

"Y'know, you're probably my best friend," Evan said sleepily, nuzzling into his shoulder. "You're not forced to, to hang out with me, or.. celebrate Shabbat..”

“What’s Shabbat?” He asked.

“Day of rest,” Evan muttered. “I celebrate by having uh... a meal with Jared’s family. That or... reading about the T-Torah.”

“I’m too tired to get what you’re saying. Tell me I’m the morning,” Connor shut his eyes and shifted a little bit.

“Connor. Thank you.”

“Hm? For what?”

“For, for being my best friend.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With how long this story took to get planned I’m a little sad it’ll be ending so soon. I love this AU so much. 
> 
> Sorry this update took so long. This chapter is 2300 words and I kept getting busy with marching band and I haven’t been writing as much at night as I’d like to because of school.
> 
> Anyways I hope you guys enjoyed this part. The next one shouldn’t be too far away but don’t expect one in like, a week, lmao


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you’re wondering what took so long to get this chapter out, it’s because a) 3000 words b) I wanted it to be perfect and c) I had a little trouble at some parts but managed to get through it! 
> 
> Any ways I seriously hope you enjoy this!

It was the last week of summer. The week it all came crashing down.

Well, that's what Connor believes, at least.

It didn't happen all during the week. It happened on one specific day, actually.

It was Monday at midday. Connor was hanging out with Evan, the two chatting while they played War. Evan was in the lead, having a much thicker stack of cards in his hand. The only chance Connor had was the few aces he'd won from battles, but worried he'd loose them.

Then Heidi Hansen suddenly entered the house, finally getting some time off some a horrendous night shift.

Heidi blanked for a moment, before putting two and two together. "Evan, is this Connor?"

Connor looked at Heidi, then to Evan, who's face was a scarlet red, traveling from his cheeks and up to his ears. The latter just nodded.

Connor took that as his cue to set his cards down and to stand up, as he awkwardly held out his hand for Heidi to shake. "Yeah er, that's me, Ms. Hansen."

Heidi smiled, "Please Connor, don't call me 'Ms.'. You'll make me feel old. Please, call me Heidi," she laughed.

Connor smiled meekly. He wasn't good at stuff like this, like meeting poeple's parents. He was honestly surprised he was making a good impression so far. "Well.. alright, Heidi."

"I hope I'm not interrupting anything important, I _did_ send Evan a text saying I got off early and wanted to go out to lunch," Heidi raised an eyebrow at Evan, who obviously didn't read said message.

"Well if you want... I can just leave so you guys can go eat," Connor offered awkwardly, shifting from foot to foot.

Heidi shook her head stubbornly. "I can't do that, do you know how rude that'd be? How about you come with us? Evan's told me about your trips to A La Mode and I figured I owe you a few."

Connor flushed a little, "You don't have to..."

"Come on, it's my treat! We only eat junk food," Heidi waved him off.

Connor realized he wasn't going to get out of this, not without an excuse or lying, at least. "Alright, looks like I don't have a choice," he sighed dramatically, but was smiling. He glanced at Evan, who _definitely_ looked mortified at the thought of him, Connor, and his mom eating at a Subway or whatever.

Ironically they did eat at Subway.

Connor made sure to keep his order simple since Heidi insisted on paying for everyone. He settled for a Foot Long Turkey Sandwich while Evan got a Six Inch Chicken Sandwich (was it dumb to be proud of your friend for ordering on their own? Connor couldn't care because he was), which was similar to Heidi's, but they couldn't eat pork so he gave him the benefit of the doubt.

"Thank you, Heidi," Connor said as he sat down at the booth they'd chosen.

Evan quietly thanked her as well, taking a respective seat next to Connor.

"Oh you boys don't have to thank me! It was my pleasure," Heidi hummed, beginning to eat.

While the trio ate, Heidi told Connor embarrassing stories of Evan when he was little, from silly things he did when he was a toddler to dumb things he did when he was around eight. Evan tried to protest, letting out a groan of, "Moooommm...", but had no avail. Connor just laughed at both his reactions and the stories, finding them to mostly be entertaining. Connor saved half of his sandwich for another time.

Heidi then drove them back home, and announced she was going to catch up on some sleep. Connor promised to stay quiet for her.

After she went to bed, Connor turned to Evan. "I wanna show you someplace special," he'd said.

"Wait, really? You want to bring me to like... your special place?" Evan asked slowly, processing all of this.

Connor nodded, grinning. "I haven't even shown it to Miguel, that's how special it is."

Evan knew a little bit about Miguel. It wasn't a lot, but he did know that he and Connor used to be an item before falling out.

"Holy shit, Connor... Are you, are you sure?" Evan sounded a little nervous.

"Definitely. You're absolutely my best friend. Whether you choose to believe it or not, it's true," Connor put his hand on his shoulder and squeezed it.

Evan smiled sheepishly, subconsciously stepping closer slightly to him. "Well.. if I can't change your mind, then f-fine. Let's go."

Connor grabbed his hand, then his keys, and exited the house quietly. "It's pretty far away, fair warning, so don't feel bad if you wanna nap or something. I'll probably stop at A La Mode."

"Should I grab some c-cash?" Evan watched Connor unlock his car.

"Nah," he just grinned. "This is thanks for Subway."

——

It wasn't a lie that the place Connor had talked about was far away. They'd just stopped in A La Mode's parking lot, which was a good ten minutes away at best, and Connor mentioned they hadn't even made it to the gravel road yet. The duo exited the car and entered the ice cream parlor.

Evan settle for a Mint Chocolate Chip while Connor got a Cotten Candy flavor. They sat at a booth, similar to when they first came, and Evan couldn't hold in anymore questions.

"What's this place you're, you're taking me to?" He asked enthusiastically.

Connor laughed, "I can't tell you! It's a surprise!"

Evan groaned dramatically, obviously impatient. "Please tell me it isn't far."

Connor's grin widened. "It's thirty minutes from here."

"I have to wait that long?" He asked exasperatedly.

"It may take even longer," Connor teased him, "If I take my time eating."

"How about I just- stop talking?" Evan nervously smiled.

Connor eyed him, before shaking his head, "I want a picture of us together. Here. We don't take a lot but I want one."

Secretly, Connor just wanted a photo of Evan himself, but he'd never tell him that. It was their last week of freedom, so blame Connor if he wanted to remember the last good times he'd have before going back to hell (school, hell, same thing, really).

"You know I don't like selfies..." Evan trailer off, his cheeks flushing.

"Please Evan? I'm not gonna do anything with it. I just want a picture together," Connor tried.

Evan sighed, giving into Connor's begging with a smile. "Fine, but you gotta send it t-to me."

Connor smiled back at him, pulling out his phone, "Oh really? And why's that? I thought you didn't like pictures of yourself."

Evan's blush didn't lessen or back down. "Umm... same reason as you."

Connor snickered as Evan sat down. He put an arm around his shoulders and held up his phone. Evan smiled shyly, trying to tilt his head away.

Of course Connor noticed this, but decided not to test his luck and snapped the picture. Afterwards, he let go of Evan and pocketed his phone. "Now either finish your ice cream or take it to the car."

Evan didn't need to be told twice. He grabbed his ice cream as Connor downed the rest of his and threw it out. Once this was done, they both headed out to Connor's truck. Once inside, they continued on their way.

Connor played obnoxious eighties songs, singing along loudly and dramatically while he drove. Although it took a little bit for Evan to grow comfortable with, soon he was singing too, and laughing. This took a good majority of the ride, but the rest Evan used to finish his ice cream while Connor drove silently but contently.

Upon arrival, Connor parked his truck and went through his glove compartment, where he found a key, and stepped out.

Outside was a gated fence that caged a barrage of trees, and a house sat beside it. Connor lead Evan to the fence.

"What is this place?" Evan asked softly, trailing behind Connor.

"Autumn Smiles Orchard. It shut down years ago," he took out fine key and unlocked the fence, "But lucky the owner, Ms. Femming gave me a key."

"So she knows you're here?" Evan watched as Connor pushed the game open and went inside, leaving him with no choice but to follow.

"She knows I come here once and a while. Don't worry, she won't tattle on us," Connor smiled, walking around.

Evan allowed himself to relax, taking pictures with his phone as they walked around. He listened to Connor rave on about how he was dreading school.

"I mean, it's pretty fucking obvious no one likes me there. I can't wait to get out," Connor remarked.

"What're you gonna do um, after school then?" Evan looked at him curiously.

Connor shrugged his shoulders, "No idea. I may go to community college. What about you?"

"I'm g-gonna take a year gap, get a job... you know, cause college is expensive..." Evan made a face.

"You know it," he nudged him. "Gotta make the middle class fall into debt somehow, right?"

Evan snorted, "Oh definitely. You're one hundred percent right."

The duo stopped at a fence that overlooked a different part of the orchard. Connor leant against it and sighed.

"Here I feel like I'm disconnected from the world. It's like a break for me. Miguel and I would talk hours on hours about how easy it was for people to just... stop fucking up our world, you know? This world is so beautiful," he shut his eyes, letting himself relax.

"This place _is_ amazing. It's kinda old, but that doesn't really factor into much," Evan stood beside him, leaning against the fence too.

"I used to come here with my family when I was a kid. I always suffered from Bipolar, I think, but my parents thought they were tantrums. Can't really blame them, though," Connor felt the wind rustle his hair around.

"Was there any g-good memories from here?" Evan opened his eyes to look at him.

"Yeah. See those hills over there," Connor pointed to some in the distance. "Zoe and I would roll down them, you know, like idiots. Cynthia hated the grass stains on our paints, it drove her nuts. There was also the time Larry brought a remote control airplane. It was fun, until he crashed it."

"I was never coordinated when, when I rolled down h-hills," Evan giggled. "Like, it wouldn't be in a straight line or anything. I was a m-mess."

"We both were. Still are, actually," Connor stood up and went to sit under a tree. "Fuck, I could stay here the rest of my life."

"What about food?" Evan grinned, sitting next to him, allowing their knees to be pressed against one another's.

"I can live off of rotten apples," Connor deadpanned, trying to keep a straight face, before bursting out laughing.

Evan was laughing too. "S-shelter?"

"I'll make a treehouse. Maybe steal some of Ms. Femming's wifi if she'll let me," he should his head, putting his arms behind it.

"I've always wanted a, a treehouse. There wasn't- well still isn't-enough space to make it," Evan commented.

"My backyard is huge and filled with trees. We can build your treehouse there and live inside it," he gently nudged Evan's side.

"Don't you want to get as far, as far away from your f-family as possible?" Evan couldn't stop smiling.

"The backyard is as best as I can get, for now at least," he rolled his eyes, and took out his phone. "Anyways, I'm sending you that picture now."

Once a moment passed, Evan's phone vibrated, and he checked it, looking at the picture. "Ew, I don't look good in this."

"Hey, there's no need for crippling insecurity here. We're in a happy place," Connor said lightly, leaning back against the tree.

"Oh yes definitely. I'll stop just for you," Evan said sarcastically, smiling.

"Okay but seriously, I don't think it's a bad photo," Connor insisted, gazing at the phone in the other's band. "Unless you're insulting my photography skills."

"Bold of you to assume I'd i-insult you," he once again rolled his eyes.

"Stranger things have happen," Connor whistled innocently.

"I wouldn't do that to, to you..." Evan said softly, scooting closer to him. He put his hand over Connor's.

"People insult me every single day. I'm used to it," Connor was a little cautious of how close Evan was getting to him.

"That doesn't make it okay..." Evan sighed. "You don't deserve it."

"I- um, thanks?" That was all Connor managed to say, because Evan was already close as it was, and he didn't want to do anything stupid or impulsive.

The only 'harmless' thing Connor could do was gaze at Evan, who was messing with his hair, using his free hand. The latter seemed a bit more nervous than he normally was, but he immediately pushed away the supposed reason being him. Evan trusted him, he cared about about him, and he made that clear with the weeks of friendship he'd shown before. It wouldn't change now.

"You're, you're more important than you realize," he stated, squeezing Connor's hand tightly. "You're my b-best friend... You're... important to me..."

"Evan... you're important too.." Connor _really_ wanted to just cup Evan's cheek because he was giving him this incredibly soft look that was just making his heart melt.

"Aw c'mon, y-you're exaggerating," Evan said lightly, but received a gently shove from Connor who shook his head after.

"Me? Exaggerate? _No, never!"_ Connor laughed, letting go of Evan's hand to put around his shoulders.

Evan snickered, rolling his eyes, but didn't reply, settling to rest his head on Connor's shoulder.

The duo stayed silent for a while, gazing at the beams the sun shined upon the blades of grass. A few sweat bees flew by, but left them alone for the most part, and a butterfly exploded the empty field for a trace of pollen. A few grasshoppers jumped by while birds gathered food and sang their songs. A breeze rustled their hair lightly, tickling their skin.

This was when things began to go downhill.

All it took was one look. Evan just had to look away from the scenery for just a _few small seconds,_ eyes twinkling, hair bristling in the wind, dimples risen on his cheeks, and his _lips,_ god Connor didn't care how chapped or bitten they were, they still looked perfect to him.

And so, Connor Murphy did the only thing he was good at, which was being impulsive, apparently.

Before he could process anything, he'd pulled Evan into a kiss, the front of Evan's polo bunched up in his fists, feeling those chapped lips against his own. The taste of mint chocolate chip still lingered on his lips, and Connor briefly considered that with his cotten candy flavor didn't mix well on Evan's end. He kept his eyes shut for the roughly twenty-ish seconds before opening them, seeing Evan's shocked expression, and shoved him off.

Connor tried not to make it obvious that the kiss took his breath away, no matter how short, so he looked away, not daring to even look at Evan.

"Connor..." Evan said softly, breathlessly, and when Connor glanced at him for just a second he saw his pointer and middle fingers were resting on his lips. He was still in shock, he realized. "D-did you just?-"

"That didn't happen," Connor replied too quickly, too harshly, and he didn't have to be looking to see the hurt on Evan's face.

"But, C-Connor, we just-" of course Evan wouldn't drop it, not with him at least. With anyone else he would've just stopped because that's how he was. He hated being left in the dark about certain things.

"Just fucking _drop it,_ Evan!" Connor demanded, lowering his voice, and he chose the wrong time to look at him because Evan was pissing him off, and it was just screwing everything up.

Evan didn't say anything after that, so Connor decided enough was enough. "Let's get the hell out of here..." he grumbled, standing up and started the walk to leave. Connor was Evan's ride, so he knew he'd follow him, even if things were awkward now. All he wanted to do was go home and hide in his room.

But fate had other plans.

Ms. Femming had no idea it was Connor who was on her property, since he'd gotten a new car, and neglected tell her this. So she'd called the police, and they were waiting outside for them.

Connor was beyond grateful when Ms. Femming said she wouldn't press charges, but the officer still had to file a report of this, and both their parents had to pick them up.

When Heidi arrived, she had looked disappointed, and not mad.

"Ms. Hansen, this isn't Evan's fault. Please, don't punish him. He doesn't deserve it," Connor had begged her while Evan was waiting in the car.

Heidi just sighed and said, "He followed your lead, Connor. You could've been involved with _the police._ I have to do this."

Not long after, Larry and Cynthia showed up. Larry looked beyond pissed at him, like all the process he was making just flushed down the drain. From how Heidi was watching them, he made a guess on the impression his family left, and it wasn't a good one.

Larry had already taken his phone and license, but it wasn't like it mattered anyways. The only people he talked to were Evan and Miguel, but he just couldn't find it in his heart to care about what people thought happened to him. It didn't matter anymore.

Cynthia drove him home, Larry driving the truck. She kept looking at him with sad glances, like her heart hurt and no matter how hard she tried, she'd never understand him. Connor tried not to let it affect him, it shouldn't, anyways. Everything was hopeless.

Everything had crashed down around him in the span of one day, and it was hard to say if things would get better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ha. Don’t you love being lured into false security?
> 
> Yes, I’m evil. You haven’t seen my evil side, I don’t think. 
> 
> Breaking into an orchard??? Getting in trouble with police??? This could actually happen??? Yes, yes and yes. Honestly it bugs me that they just break in and have no consequences in other fics. For one, Evan has a n x i e t y. He would NOT be fine with just breaking into an orchard. Secondly, with how many times this happens in fics, they NEVER get caught?! I’m sorry, I get it’s this out of nowhere place, but I live in a place like that! Hello!! Police do drive around to catch speeders and such.
> 
> Ugh, sorry about my rant. It’s just a pet peeve. Anyways I hope you liked this chapter (even though it was sad)! I don’t know when the next update will come out so stay tooned! Thank you!


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning- mentions of cutting and suicidal thoughts. I'm also putting one for the "school shooter" joke Jared makes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOLY SHIT THIS TOOK SO LONG TO WRITE
> 
> This is over 4K words so I hope that’ll make up for my absence. I enjoyed writing all of this but that made me write so much. I’ve never written this much.
> 
> I hope ya’ll like this chapter.

The rest of the week was far from easy.

Connor just didn't feel like doing anything. He was hurting and his family was pissed at him so that didn't help a thing.

He mainly just stayed in his room and stared at the ceiling, letting his thoughts take him away. Most times he could practically feel how much his heart hurt. It was like a hole in his chest.

Zoe tried talking to him, but Connor pushed her away. He knew he wasn't doing well and the only thing he cared about was not going back to how they used to be.

"Connor? Um, are you okay?" Zoe didn't know what'd happened, all she knew was that her brother was struggling and upset.

"Not the best... not the worst," Connor admitted, currently laying in his bed. Summer was just about over on that Monday night, and dread loomed in his chest. He didn't want to go back to where he was relentless provoked and had insults thrown over his head.

"Can I come in?" Connor had a feeling he knew why she'd be coming in; to check his arms. While it seemed rational on her end, it wasn't actually true. Connor did feel numb, yes, but he drew on them instead, something Evan had suggested before they separated.

He let out a sigh. He didn't want to worry her, so he conceived, "Yes.."

Zoe took this as her cue to walk inside, and as Connor suspected, her eyes landed on his arms. The sleeves were rolled up, revealing some colorful swirls, dots, and other random assortments. She looked relieved to see this as she sat down in the swivel chair at his desk.

"I'm glad he suggested that to you," she said, gazing at the many patterns littered on his arm. "I don't like seeing your... you know what I'm talking about."

"I don't wanna talk about him," Connor said slowly, turning his head from the ceiling to look at Zoe.

"Shouldn't you try to talk to him?" She pressed on, curiousness audible in her tone.

Connor groaned, grabbing one of the many pillows he had on his bed. It was a pillow pet, something Zoe bought him. It was the ladybug one, and Connor loved it. He rolled onto his side to face away from Zoe and pulled the ladybug close, and buried his face into the soft red fabric. This was pissing him off, but it was also making him sad.

"He hates me..." he mumbled into the pillow. Already he could feel tears in his eyes. He wasn't supposed to be getting this emotional this quickly.

"Really? That's only what you've _told_ me. Do you know if he actually does?" Zoe spun in the chair slowly.

"Well, he should. He probably does. I fucked things up with him," Connor hugged his pillow pet tighter. "Besides, I _kissed him._ He's probably disgusted by me now."

Zoe sighed, "I don't know, Connor. I only know what you told me about Evan. If anyone's gonna make a decision, it's you."

"If you keep talking about this, I won't talk to you. Drop it," Connor's voice held no venom, he was just so _tired_ and wanted to forget about Evan.

Thankfully, Zoe decided to talk about some sheet music she'd found online and was practicing it. Connor loved listening to her talk about music, she was just really talented with the guitar. Sometimes all Connor could do was just listen to her and smile, because those small type of things made everything worth it.

After a while, Zoe had left, and Connor was left spiraling. He didn't feel happy, while he did have small little flashes, he always ended up back the same. He felt just so _undeniably alone._ He was back to where he was before; depressed, by himself, and hated by everyone. He couldn't erase what he did to Zoe, he was burdening his mom with worry, and he made things hard for Larry.

Maybe it was because his medication wasn't really working. It hadn't been since he met Evan, that was why he crashed his car. The only thing that really kept him going was being with Evan, and _yes,_ he knows not a good reason to keep going, but it's not like he can just talk to his parents about stuff like this.

Before he goes to bed that night, he counts the total amount of pills in the bathroom. Roughly, there's around thirty tablets.

Connor forced himself to put them away, because it wouldn't work in that moment. Everyone was home and he doubted he'd be quiet during it.

Throughout the night, he struggled to get a proper amount of sleep. When it was five am, Connor found he wouldn't get anymore sleep before he had to get up, he decided to let himself go in a high.

At the breakfast table, Cynthia was busy tidying up while Larry read his emails. Connor had a bowl of cereal with some milk inside it, and a glass of milk sitting beside him. He didn't need it anymore, and he'd get grumpy if he wasn't sober. He was fighting the idea of going to school, mainly to put his plan into action once everyone was gone. At one point his mom must've put his phone on the table, and he wordlessly slipped it into his pocket.

Cynthia was exasperated at him trying not to go. "It's your senior year Connor, you are _not_ missing the first day."

"I already said I'd go _tomorrow,"_ Connor was getting irritated. He just wanted Cynthia to back down already.

Cynthia let out a sigh, turning to Larry. "Are you going to do something or are you too invested into your email?"

"Listen to your mother, Connor..." Larry said tiredly, his eyes not moving away from his laptop.

"That's all you're going to say?" Cynthia frowned at him.

"What else do you expect me to say? He doesn't listen. Look at him, he's probably high," Larry sounded guarded and a bit angry.

"He's definitely high," Zoe just sounded disappointed, like she was expecting this.

"I don't want you going to school high, Connor!" Cynthia said, exasperated.

This was his out. He was going to take it. "Perfect. So then I won't go. Thanks mom!" He stood up from the table and went up to his room, ignoring his mother's protests.

As Connor sat down on his bed, something changed in him. He felt a weight on his shoulders he couldn't lift off, an unsettled feeling in his chest, an urge to just _try_ and make things different, even if it didn't matter and no one would care. He wanted to apologize to Evan, to give him closure, because he knew Evan would blame himself for what he did.

So, he forced himself up, shoved some notebooks, pencils, and folders into his satchel, and threw it around his shoulder after putting on his jacket and brown, semi dirty trench coat. He didn't have time to wash it, so he exited his room, not bothering to wash his hair as he went out to Zoe's car.

"For a minute there, I thought I'd have to lie and say I'd leave without you or something," Zoe commented, watching him sit down.

"I really wasn't going to go," Connor replied, "But something changed my mind."

"You mean _someone?"_ Zoe raised an eyebrow at him, before backing out.

Connor groaned, "Fuck off, Zoe."

"I don't think I will. I know you're high, you're tired, calm, and have a 'I don't give a shit' vibe right now," Zoe shrugged. "You were also pretty irritable at the table."

"Irrational," Connor corrected. "I can't take a fucking hint."

Zoe sighed, "This isn't good for you. You know that, right?"

Connor didn't answer her, because he _knew_ it wasn't good for him, but yet he was still doing it, and it'd just upset her. He crossed his arms and looked out the window, trying to get lost in his own mind. He tried to think about what'd he say to Evan, how he'd even say _sorry,_ for starters. It wouldn't be easy, but it had to be done.

He left kind of prematurely. By that he just exited the car while Zoe was slowing down near the entrance of the school and jumped out of the passenger. He was called a dumbass by his sister. He deserved it, he supposed, as he entered the doors to the high school.

Connor could feel people's gaze shift to him as he walked down the hallway. Realistically, he knew that it was only small glances, but it still made him uneasy and on edge.

He'd made up to lunch without an outburst. That was something to be proud of, right? It proved he could control himself.

"Hey Connor, I'm loving the new hair length. Very _school shooter chic_."

Oh, so he couldn't make it through the lunch room without running into Jared fucking Kleinman? That was just his luck.

Connor should've just ignored him. He wasn't there to deal with him, he was there to find Evan and apologize, but anger boiled inside him, and he stopped at Jared's table and turned his head to glare at Jared.

How dare him make a fucking joke like that. That type of shit was not something to joke around about and it was _extremely_ inappropriate. What hurt the most was that he was being compared to other kids who weren't getting help, while he _was._ He was so much different than them, but no, apparently they only saw the worst parts of him. What was the point of proving something to someone if they wouldn't listen?

He shouldn't have been surprised to Evan standing next to him, but that only pissed him off more.

Connor must've held a stare so hard and harsh it could've burnt a hole through Jared's head, because the latter added on, "Um, it was a joke?"

"Yeah no, it was funny," Connor responded both sarcastically and harshly. "I'm laughing, can't you tell?" He laughed, but out of pure anger. "Am I not laughing hard enough for you?!!"

Jared seemed surprised by his outburst, but the fake persona of confidence slipped back on. "You're such a freak!" He laughed awkwardly, before turning on to glance at Evan.

It wasn't loud, but it was obviously directed for Connor to hear.

"I can't believe you have some weird _thing_ going for Murphy," Jared laughed, before leaving the duo.

That was just the breaking point for Connor. Evan would _never, ever_ like him the way he did, and probably liked Zoe. And apparently he had some weird... fetish or something for her.

"Stay the _fuck_ away from Zoe!" Connor stormed over to him and pushed him against one of the tables, bunching up his shirt in his fist. "I don't want you going _anywhere_ near here, so don't even think about it," he then pushed him down and walked off.

Afterwards, tension rolled out of his shoulders as he realized what he'd just done. That was _not_ what he planned on doing. It was the opposite, in fact, and it only made him feel even more shitty. During his classes, all he could think about was threatening Evan and shoving him. He probably hurt him, on accident though, because he'd never hurt Evan on purpose.

During his open eighth hour, he wandered into the computer lab (if he saw Evan walk in after seventh was a secret he would never tell), and saw Evan at a computer, typing away, his head hunched down, eyes shifting from the keyboard to the computer screen.

Connor decided to stay quiet, thinking about what he was going to say, but the humming from the printer pulled him into reality. He automatically took the sheet from inside, and coughed to get Evan's attention, who was standing and probably about to grab said sheet.

"Umm...." Evan was at a loss for words.

'Umm' was right. This was incredibly awkward, considering not only _the kiss,_ but the unnecessary confrontation in the lunch room made things harder than they needed to be. He put the letter in his satchel so Evan wouldn't see it.

"How's your arm?" Connor settled for, gesturing at the sling that it was resting on.

"Oh um- i-it's okay. Fine. You know, you were there. Fell out of a tree," he forced out a laugh as he picked at his cast's plaster.

"You should say a racist guy broke it," Connor said softly as he messed with a hair tie on his wrist.

"What?" Evan looked up.

" _To Kill A Mockingbird?_ When Jem broke his arm. Just say you broke it in a fight," Connor shrugged.

Evan made a small smile, "We read that freshman year... Y-you remember it?"

"I've read it more than once," Connor fidgeted self consciously.

"Oh um- that's cool," Evan smiled slightly.

Connor's eyes fell onto his cast. It didn't have a single signature on it, all it had was the white plaster and a stash holding it steady. If he was going to go through with his plan, he was going to leave his mark on Evan's life. So he spoke up.

"No ones signed your cast," it was something he always forgot to do, and even when they met up, he always forgot to ask.

"Yeah..." Evan replied sadly, like this was a blatant fact he didn't want to accept.

"I'll sign it," Connor decided.

"Y-you don't have to..." Evan seemed hesitant.

Connor pressed on, ignoring his comment, "Do you have a sharpie?"

Evan silently pulled out a black sharpie from his back pocket and handed it to Connor, who tried to ignore how their fingers brushed.

Connor gripped his arm a little harder than necessary, and received a quiet "Ow" from Evan. Raising the sharpie, Connor traced his name over in big, bold letters, taking up an entire side of the cast. He then capped the sharpie and handed it back to him.

"There. Now everyone knows we're friends," Connor stated. He still thought of Evan as a friend, deep down, even though he screwed everything up.

Evan smiled as he pocketed the sharpie. "Y-yeah."

Connor then remembered the letter. He didn't wanna hold on it, so he pulled it out and said, "Is this yours? I um, found it on the printer." He checked the name, "It has your name on it."

"Oh it's er- just an a-assignment. It's dumb, really-" Connor tuned him out, because teachers did _not_ assign anything on the first day. All you got was a dumb syllabus and a lecture from the teacher. Whatever he'd written, he did _not_ want Connor to read. Oh well, it was probably something embarrassing he'd already told him about anyways.

_"Dear Evan Hansen,_   
_Turns out this won't be an amazing day. It won't be an amazing week or year because... why would it be?"_

Okay, Connor didn't know what the fuck was going on, but... Evan was hurting, considering those first few lines. He was hurting and it was his fault. Just like usual. He willed himself to keep going.

_"Oh, I know. Because there's Connor. All my hope is pinned on Connor, who I know, and who'll easily forget about me. Maybe if I could just talk to him, things would be different. Maybe... maybe nothing would be different."_

Wait, hold on.

_"All my hope is pinned on Connor, who I know, and who'll easily forget about me."_

What the _fuck_ did that mean? That Connor would just forget about him? That he'd just... move on?

Considering the circumstances of last week, that wasn't a far fetched guess, actually.

"What the fuck?" Connor whispered, staring at that one line. He lifted his head to look at Evan.

"It's- it's nothing! It's stupid! It's just-" Evan was trying to backpedal, clearly. Trying to put things back to how they belonged. The panicked expression on his face said it all. He was bottling this in, Connor realized. He just wanted things to go back to normal, and so did Connor.

" 'All my hope is pinned on _Connor,_ who I know, and who'll easily forget about me'," Connor quoted the letter. He gazed at him, gently, softly, afraid of the answer as he asked, "What does it mean, Evan?"

Evan didn't answer him. He was clutching his fists, eyes squeezed shut, and rocking back and forth on his heels. He was afraid, but not of Connor. He was afraid what he'd think of him.

Connor decided to finish the letter, since he wasn't getting a reply out of him.

_"I wish that things were different. I wish that I was apart of something. I mean, face it, would anyone notice if I disappeared tomorrow?_   
_Sincerely, your best and most dearest friend,_   
_Me."_

Connor bit his lip. Had Evan always felt this way? Did he always feel... this alone? It wasn't healthy, but Connor wanted to help him.

So, he said softly, "I'd notice."

Evan's head snapped up, and he looked at him with wide eyes, "What?"

"I'd notice if you... disappeared tomorrow," Connor spoke up as he messed with the letter's edges. "So you're wrong there, even if you don't realize it."

Evan looked away from him, tears gathering in his eyes, "That... wasn't exactly c-clear... You just, you just k-kissed me and... we never talked about it..."

"I thought you hated it," Connor admitted, looking down at the ground and unconsciously crumpled the letter. "You didn't do anything. You just... let it happen. I felt like I was taking advantage of you and I just.. hated doing that to you. It's not an excuse, I know, but... it's what happened. On my end, at least."

"You honestly think that?" Evan glanced at him, before sighing. "I have a t-therapy appointment to get to.. I just need my-"

"When's it at?" Connor cut him off.

Evan bit at his lip, before saying, "Four."

Connor glanced at the clock. It was almost three twenty. He had time. "Let me drive you. Please."

The latter twisted his fingers, trying to crack them. "Um. Okay."

After Evan signed out of his computer, Connor went to find Zoe, who was probably practicing for Jazz Band. He'd neglected to say he lost his truck and hoped she'd let him borrow it.

Connor told Evan to wait outside the band doors and stepped inside, extremely thankful when he saw Zoe in a chair, plucking away at her guitar, different types of notes being released from the cords.

"Can I borrow the car? Evan um, needs a ride to his therapy appointment," Connor explained, silently hoping she wouldn't ask a lot of questions.

Zoe eyed him, "Do you know _how much_ trouble I'd get into if mom or dad found out I let you drive?"

"I'll bring it back, I just need it for a bit!" Connor urged.

Zoe tried to stay strong and say no, but she didn't. She sighed and handed him the car keys. "Be back before Jazz Band is over."

Connor nodded, flashing her a smile. "Thanks Zo," he said, before hurrying out to Evan.

He lead Evan out to the car, which was a baby blue little Jeep, and while Connor didn't get why Zoe liked it so much, he knew to be careful with it. Cynthia had even returned his license, because she was convinced it was important to have some form of an ID and that he couldn't drive anyways without his truck.

Evan gazed at the vehicle, a single question on his mind as he turned his head to Connor.

"Zoe drove us today," Connor had only said before unlocking the Jeep and stepping inside, seeing Evan follow suit.

The Jeep was mainly clean, but that was because Zoe cleaned it almost everyday. The seats were only a little worn and was in general, in better condition than Connor's truck (though Connor wouldn't admit that because he still loved it).

"Um. You can just put the directions in here," Connor pulled up Google Maps on his phone and handed it to the latter.

Evan silently typed in the address before putting it in the cup holder. He slid his seatbelt on and looked out the window as Connor began to drive.

"I liked the kiss," Connor said suddenly, not daring to look at him. "I like _you,_ but you're... you're my best friend. We don't have to get together, we can stay friends, but I'll just... need space. You know, to cope and all..."

"Connor... y-you don't have to do that," Evan sounded like he was trying to gather up courage to say something, but that was all he said.

"No no, it's okay. You don't like me like that and that's totally fine. It's like I can't help liking you, but you can't help _not liking_ me. It's- it's neither of our faults," Connor said a bit too quickly, turning the car and glanced at his phone for directions.

"You don't like- have to a-avoid me," he tried.

"I won't be!" Connor insisted. "I'll just...back off. If I make you uncomfortable, I'll stop whatever the hell I'm doing. We'll be- we'll be fine."

"No- you don't understand! You don't, you don't have to do a-any of that!" Evan sounded upset at these suggestions.

Connor let out a sigh as he pulled into the therapy building's parking lot. "I just want things to be the way they used to be. Comfortable. Nice. Filled with stupid jokes," He stifled a laugh as he shifted the car's gear into parked. He then paused, remembering one specific line in Evan's letter.

_"All my hope is pinned on Connor, who I know, but who'll easily forget about me."_

Connor silently pulled out the letter and gazed at it sadly. He ducked in a breath and said, "What does it mean?"

Evan smiled nervously, and tried to lie, saying, "W-what?"

Connor met his gaze at last, "I think you know what line I'm talking about."

Evan stayed silent for a bit, toying with his lip with his teeth. Connor just waited, mainly because that was all he _could_ do, really. He could corner him all he wanted, but he couldn't force the information out of him (not like he _would,_ anyways).

Finally, Evan spoke up, blushing hard. and said, "I- I'm in love with, with you..."

Connor's brain stopped working in that moment as a blush spread across his face. Or, it felt like that, anyways. Because what Evan had just said... could it be purely out of pity? He had no idea how to believe him, and he hated that simple fact.

"You... you aren't fucking around with me, are you?" Connor needed to know, because it was driving him crazy with anticipation. "Because I.. I lied before. I don't _just_ like you. I'm head over heels in love with you, and everything about this is downright terrifying, so I need _something_ to show me its real."

Evan gazed at him, then looked away in thought. At first, Connor doubted he'd try to do anything, but then, he felt a hand on his cheek, and chapped lips against chapped lips for a brief moment, and after Evan had pulled away, Connor realized he'd just pecked his lips.

Evan was blushing hard, the red almost seeping down onto his shoulders. "Um- if that isn't p-proof enough, then I don't know what is..."

Connor gazed at him for a moment, then looked at the clock. It was three thirty five, so they still had some time. He quickly pulled out the keys, threw them into the cup holder, and ripped off his seatbelt before climbing into the backseat.

"Er, what're you doing b-back there?" Evan just watched him hopelessly.

"I wanna kiss you again, but not over that fucking cup holder," Connor was upfront and honest about it, because he _just_ kissed him, and he didn't want to wait for another.

This just made Evan laugh, but he complied, climbing over the cup holder and sitting down next to Connor, who gently put his arms around him.

"I never thought I had a chance with you," Connor admitted with a small smile, "But I don't think I've ever been so happy to be proven wrong." He then locked their lips together, feeling heat on heat, fingers wrapping around his waist and rest on his cheek.

When they pulled away, Evan responded, "S-same here, honestly. I thought you kissed me to like, I don't know, see if you were still bi or something, I don't know..." he trailed off as Connor peppered him with kisses on his cheeks, forehead, and nose.

"I'm sorry I put you through all of that," Connor pulled him close to his chest, and he felt Evan bury his head into his collarbone. "I'm gonna make it up to you, somehow."

"You don't have to," he assured, rubbing his back. "I just want you." 

Connor smiled ever so slightly, before he let go of him and pecked his lips again, “Is it too premature to say ‘I love you’?” He joked.

“Well... _yeah._ We’re not even boyfriends or, or anything,” Evan furrowed his brow.

“Would you... _like_ to be? Boyfriends?” He wasn’t sure why his voice quieted, but it did never the less.

Evan smiled at him, and pecked his nose. “Only if you do.”

“Then it’s settled,” he hummed contently, and looked at the clock. It was three forty five already, “You should get to your session.”

Evan made a noise of discontent, but he nodded with a sigh. “Yeah, I know. Do you um- wanna hang out after I’m done?”

“Definitely. I’ll have Zoe drop me off, since this is uh, her car,” he began to laugh, “Holy shit, we just kissed in my sister’s car!”

“Hey, at least we kissed in the first place!” Evan laughed too as Connor hugged him. “We both know we’re both c-cowards.”

“Ouch,” Connor said in a monotone voice.

“I gotta go,” he let him go and slid outside the ca.

“I’ll see you later,” Connor watched him leave with a smile.

“You too,” Evan smiled back, before heading inside the building.

Things would be alright again. That was for certain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After this, there’s an epilogue and it’ll be done! If you wanna keep up with my stuff, I’m going to be posting regular onehshots again while I’m drafting the next story. I hope you enjoyed! Thanks for reading!


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Small trigger warning for mentions of suicide attempt

Were first dates always this intimidating? Connor didn't think it should've been, since they were literally just having a picnic in Connor's backyard.

It didn't matter.

What mattered was that they had the whole place to themselves, no adults to meddle around or distract them, and what was best was that they'd be outside in the garden, which hopefully wouldn't make Evan too anxious.

Connor wore a nice, long sleeved light purple shirt over a darker purple flannel, and then his normal, black hoodie was tied around his waist. The jeans he were wearing actually weren't ripped, and were probably one of the nicest pair he had. Distinctly, he wondered what Evan was wearing. He'd find out soon enough, he supposed.

Connor checked his phone for any new texts, but there was only the message from Evan saying he was on his way with his mom (Heidi thought they were just hanging out. Evan wasn't out to her yet).

Ironically enough, she wasn't even mad at Connor for the Orchard incident. She'd told him she knew that he was a good kid, but that his family was broken and things like that usually happened to people who grew up in families like that.

He had just finished making grilled cheese sandwiches for their little picnic. They obviously couldn't have peanut butter because Evan was allergic or ham because he was Jewish. Connor decided to keep them inside, convinced one of the woodland creatures would steal the sandwiches.

Connor went with lemonade for beverages, because everyone likes lemonade, right? And if Evan didn't like it for some reason, he had bottled water just in case.

He stayed near the door, peaking out every few minutes to see if the latter had arrived yet. He didn't know whether to feel excited or nervous, because it wasn't a normal first date, but maybe Evan would appreciate not going out. He hoped he would, and wouldn't find it weird.

Another peak outside the small blinds resulted with Connor spotting Evan at last. He grinned, stepping back to open the door.

Evan was a bit surprised when he saw how fast Connor had opened the door, but smiled never the less. He was wearing a full cherry red sweater with some very nice looking jeans, and tennis shoes. He'd clearly tried to fix his hair and make it look nice, but the natural golden curls persisted and won that fight.

Still, if not absolutely _adorable._

"H-hi," Evan had his hands clasped together, as he shifted from foot to foot.

"Hey. Uh, come in," Connor stepped to the side so Evan could walk in.

Evan stepped inside as Connor shut the door behind him. "You... you look nice. Um, n-not saying you don't always look nice! You just look extra nice, especially in flannel! Though I'm not like, saying I don't like your hoodie either! It's nice, and I kinda wanna wear it and why aren't you stopping me?"

"Sorry," Connor chuckled weakly, blushing. "I just love your little rants. They're so... endearing. That's probably annoying to hear, but maybe it'll put your mind at ease for a bit?"

"Oh. Well... thank you," he smiled at him. "Anyways, what's for dinner?"

"Grilled cheese sandwiches, cause I was in a mood for them," Connor handed Evan the plate where the sandwich sat. "Ketchups in the fridge if you want any. I'll pour us some lemonade."

Connor could tell Evan was taking the opportunity to gaze around his house for a bit, probably surprised by the size of it. It was a normal response, because that's how Zoe's friends reacted. However, he heard the fridge open and a ketchup bottle squirt, so he figured he was done with that. After pouring the lemonade into two glasses, he lead Evan outside to the garden where the picnic was.

" _Oh my god-_ Connor, this is... really pretty," Evan gaped, looking at the collections of flowers in the backyard.

Connor smiled sheepishly, leading him to the blanket to sit on. "I knew you'd like it. Mom likes to do a bit of gardening on the side every once and a while. I'm no expert, though, I just make sure they have enough water."

"So you _are_ a gardener," Evan teased him, scooting closer to Connor.

He scoffed, "Barely at most. It's common knowledge."

"I wonder if you could take care of a Bonsai Tree," Evan pondered.

Connor raised an eyebrow, "Aren't they like, really hard to take care of? Since humity is hard to control?"

"Yeah, but leaving it outside when it's cool out usually works," Evan shrugged. "If they're taken care of correctly, they can like as long as a normal tree, which is like one hundred years. Their roots can't expand though and their growth is stunted. It's why I don't wanna buy one. I like Venus Flytraps since they... you know, eat flys. They feel personal... which yeah, that's weird, I know."

"I know what I'm getting you for your birthday," Connor grinned, taking a bite out of the sandwich.

"What? Oh, you don't h-have to!" he protested, blushing.

"The more you protest, the harder I'll try," Connor teased him, throwing an arm around his shoulders. "I could get your mom's help. If anyone would know your birthday, it's _her."_

Evan groaned, nudging Connor's side, not enough to hurt him, but enough to move him around a bit. "It's December twenty first, okay?"

"Give me a sec," Connor pulled out his phone, and searched Hanukkah on the internet. "Holy shit. It starts the day after your birthday. The twenty second till the thirtieth."

"Please don't make a, a big deal out of it," he protested.

"Buzzkill," he joked, pressing a kiss to Evan's cheek.

Evan smiled, happily taking a bite out of his sandwich. "This is really good."

"You're acting like I made you a typical spaghetti dinner," Connor chuckled, but had a little for himself. "It's just grilled cheese."

"I always burn mine," Evan admitted sheepishly. "I like mine er, d-dark brown, but this is, this is more than fine."

"Can you cook?" Connor had just a tiny bit of his sandwich left. "It sounds like you burn everything you touch."

Evan blushed at this accusation. "I _can_ cook! Kinda. It won't be good, but I don't set fires. It's why I uh, o-order pizza or takeout."

Connor hummed, watching Evan drink some lemonade from his cup. He decided not to reply, and opted to listen to Evan quietly say the names of the flowers in the garden as he finished the rest of his food.

"You know those little white feathers you'd blow into the air? They're a species of dandelion," Evan explained happily, "The scientific band is Taraxacum erythrospermum, otherwise known as a red-seeded dandelion."

"Holy shit. I've gone my whole life without knowing that," Connor laughed. "I always just called them the ' _fluffy blow pedals'_."

"That is honestly the, the _c-cutest_ thing I've ever heard," Evan grinned, moving to kiss his forehead.

Connor happily let him. He leaned over and gently plucked a tulip from the garden near then. He snapped off the stem and put the tulip on Evan's ear. "There. I don't think Cynthia will notice if _one_ tulip goes missing."

"She isn't hyper crazy about her garden?" Evan's grin didn't falter, as it seemed to expand.

"Like I said, it's something she does on the side. If you want, I can show you a cute little bridge Larry bought for her. I'm not usually big on decorating, but I think it's fucking adorable," Connor sat up.

"Sure!" Evan watched Connor stand up and offer a hand. He took it and let the latter pull him up, before starting to walk together to find the little bridge.

"It's near this wooden altar, and I'm ninety nine percent sure flowers are growing on it. My mom's like, _ridiculously_ into weddings. She tries to argue that _'oh no, it's not because of that! I just like how it looks!'_ I don't buy it, but it's romantic as hell," Connor could tell they were getting close, as he could see the altar in the distance. "If you want some pictures under it, just let me know."

Evan gripped his hand, "I think I see it. Is the bridge white?"

"Yup. C'mon, we're close!" Connor started to run, not letting go of Evan's hand.

"Connor!" Evan yelped, trying to keep up with him. Distinctly, he thought Connor could be a runner, with the long strides he took.

Suddenly, he stopped at the bridge. It was small and arched over a little creek just below it. Decorative rocks were sat by it, but one rock stood out, as it had a messy, painted rock that had the words "Connor's rock" painted in black. Connor distinctly remembered making that when he was little.

"It's stable enough to be walk over. The altar is just on the other side," Connor explained, calmly walking over the little bridge.

"It's so cute," Evan followed him, tracing a hand over the wood as he walked across the bridge.

"I could say the same thing about you," Connor gently took his hand to lead a blushing Evan to the altar.

Evan gazed at it, "Your mom must love weddings."

There was a little wooden bench underneath the altar. Connor didn't remember it being there before, but assumed Larry made that as well. "If _anyone_ invites her to a wedding, she's all in on it."

"My mom's kinda the opposite. She thought it was, it was too much of a hassle, since she was the bridesmaid _and_ the bride at one point," Evan grinned, gently bumping his shoulder against Connor's.

"Your mom seems like the type to have a small or private wedding," Connor lead him to the bench and coaxed him into sitting on it with him.

"It was her mom who persuaded her with the, the b-big wedding thing," Evan sat close next to Connor, enough where their knees were bumping against one another's. "My grandmother was more into it than mom."

"Weddings are boring as fuck," Connor held his hand. "Like, the only ones I've ever gone to are other rich friends of Cynthia or long distance family. It's nothing exciting."

Evan was playing with the rings on Connor's fingers, brushing his fingertips over the cold rings of metal. "My uncle got married when I was twelve. It was, it really was uh, b-boring."

Connor hummed, looking around their surroundings. "You remember how we met?"

Evan tensed a bit at that. "I uh... I've been meaning to t-talk to you about that."

He shut his eyes, gripping Evan's hand tightly. "I crashed my car on purpose."

Evan did a double take, his mouth agape. "You- you _what?!"_

Connor took in a shaky breath, saying, "I crashed my Subaru into that tree hoping the impact would kill me. It's why I couldn't take you to the hospital, and I've been feeling awful about it even though I didn't know I'd find you. So... there."

"No, no no no. It's not your fault. It's okay, I get it," Evan gripped his hand with both of his, mainly because Connor was shaking and he just wanted to help calm him down. "I... I know how you feel."

"... You do?" He asked hesitantly. He had a good idea of what Evan was talking about, but if he confirmed those thoughts... He wasn't sure how he'd take it.

Evan laughed dryly and humorlessly. "You- you weren't the only one- trying to k-k-kill themselves that night..."

Connor couldn't remember a time where he'd hugged anyone any faster. He didn't know how to think, what to think, _anything._ He was just reacting out of pure fear for Evan. Obviously it seemed like he was getting better, but he knew little to nothing about how his depression was.

"It's- I'm okay. I'm, I'm better now," Evan gripped his back tightly, like he was scared Connor would run from him, like he would _leave._

Like he ever would.

"You tried to kill yourself," Connor whispered in a silent argument.

"But I'm still here. Things aren't... the best all the time, but I have you. You have me. We can like... s-support each other through therapy, and stuff..." Evan sounded incredibly scared, and it took Connor a moment to realize he was shaking in his arms.

He hugged him tighter, gently petting his head to calm him down. "Hey, I'm not gonna call it quits, okay? I wanna make this work, and I already knew I'd have to... deal with some mental illness stuff."

"Promise?" Evan asked weakly.

"I don't like making promises I don't know I can't keep, so I'm gonna prove it to you instead. I'm... I'm gonna be the best boyfriend I can be," Connor squeeze him closely before releasing his hold to grab Evan's hands instead.

"Okay, okay," he held them tightly, visually calming down, "I will... I'll try my best, too."

"Alright. So, now that that's over, you wanna try and save this by watching a movie?" He gave him a nervous smile.

"This- this doesn't need _'saving'_ ," he made the quotations with his fingers. "We're just- communicating, being a h-healthy, stable relationship."

"But we're both sad, and you're not supposed to be sad on a date," Connor insisted. "Is Marvel okay?"

"Yeah," he smiled. "What'd you have?"

An hour later, they were cuddled up and watching _The Amazing Spider-Man_ tiredly. They still had a few hours before anyone else came home, and they'd take whatever they could get.

Things still weren't perfect. They still had their mental health, they were going to have fights, but in the end, everything would be okay.

They’d be alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s finally done. Holy shit.
> 
> I’m gonna miss this book for obvious reasons, but I’m eager to work on my newest book ‘Lost In The Middle Of Nowhere’. It’s a redo au.
> 
> I wanna thank you all for the support I’ve gotten! This book isn’t very popular, but it holds a special place in my heart. 
> 
> I’ll see you all later!

**Author's Note:**

> Hopefully you guys enjoyed the first part!
> 
> I have another new story I may publish as well, but maybe one chapter per week. It’s about blind! Evan and slowly developing trust with Connor, and how much they’ll give for one another. It’s very light hearted and cheesy, has a little bit of angst but not a ton, and I in general just like it.
> 
> Update schedule for this? I don’t know her. I still have to write this out.
> 
> (Let’s be honest here, no one’s gonna comment on this XDDX)


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